Christmas eating tips

This is from an e-mail I received. This little gem has been circulating for awhile, I seem to remember it from last year. Good advice in any case, after all, aren't excess and gluttony what the holidays are all about?



Christmas Eating Tips.....

Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano.
As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat, have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have SOME standards.

One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Another Christmas memory

Okay, it seems this daily posting thing is not working for me. It only contributes to frustration and writer's block. For that reason, I will post as much as possible, but, obviously, it won't be everyday.

I was thinking about the holidays of past years and a wonderful memory popped up. It involves my youngest son. First a little background on him. He is now twenty, working full time in a restaurant and going to school for culinary arts. He is seven years younger than his brother, he grew up without his father being around. He is definitely all boy, he has always excelled at sports, he loves the outdoors (hunting, fishing, camping, etc.), he is a very hard worker, he has a lot of empathy and an extremely soft heart, he has always attracted the ladies.

To expound on some of these things, he has had more squad runs and emergency room visits than any mother should have to endure. He has had broken bones, concussions and once was even impaled on a piece of metal (that is its own story - too long for this post). I have had more than one phone call at work, informing me that he was en route to the hospital in an ambulance. He has held different jobs and has worked pretty steadily since he was 15 years old. He loves animals (even more than me) and has brought home more strays than I can count. We have raised baby birds, bunnies, possums and adopted many dogs and cats due to his efforts. He has always befriended and stood up for the underdog, even when he didn't always agree with what they stood for, but he always fought for their rights. He does not pursue the girls or always pay attention to them, but they are always buzzing around him, hoping. Of course, currently, he has a long time girlfriend of about two years, who will probably become my daughter-in-law. He is not a perfect child, far from it. He's had (and overcome) more than his share of problems and I'm proud of him for that and for who he has become. This really isn't a mother's praise post, so I will get on with the memory.

When he was 12, he often brought home treasures that he scavenged out of other people's garbage. One of those things was a large, light-up, plastic Santa. At Christmastime that year, I placed the Santa in the front garden for a decoration. I always did tons of decorating inside for Christmas, but sadly neglected the outside. About a week before Christmas I came home from work, only to have him meet me in the front yard. He was all excited and told me that he had decorated outside for me. I looked around and saw nothing. He told me to look up. There on the roof, duct-taped to the chimney, was the plastic Santa, complete with an orange extension cord trailing down to the outlet. It was one of those moments, as a mother, that I didn't know whether to smile or yell. I had visions of him climbing a ladder, Santa in tow, with no one to make sure he didn't fall. Pushing the lump in my throat back down to my stomach, I hugged him and told him it looked great. Then I told him to never get on a ladder again when I wasn't home.

White Christmas

Okay, I got nuthin'.

Except this...

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I honestly don't remember ever writing to you before, though I am sure I did as a child. Let's face it, I think you owe me. We both know that any Christmas wishes I had as a child were fulfilled by my parents. As an adult (especially in my post-mother years) I have been a pretty good elf to you. The presents that have appeared under my tree, may have bore your name, but it was written in my hand-writing. So, I am not trying to be selfish, but I just want my due. Here is my list...

• I really want to lose about forty pounds, without dieting or exercise of course.
• I know your elves are very busy right now, but so am I, so if a couple of them could make a trip to my house and do a little cleaning and sprucing up that would be great.
• I still have a lot of shopping to complete, but no money. Either a prepaid Visa or a deposit into my account (hey, $500 should do it), pick whichever option is easier for you.
• Another couple of hours tacked onto each day until Christmas would help with my time crunch. I know you can do this, after all, you fly all the way around the world in one night.
• I'm in the Secret Santa gift exchange at work. You know how much I hate that shit, so just deliver three more presents for me, on the appropriate days. $5 limit, $10 for the last one. I trust you to pick out something good.
• A little magic on Wall Street would be great, I have a few more stocks to sell (to pay for my son's school bill) and I'm really tired of losing money. An 800 point recovery for the Dow would give many people a better holiday.

There are more things I could ask for, but I don't want to be greedy here. At least I gave you a list that is much easier to achieve than peace on earth. I know that would be impossible, even for a holiday icon, such as yourself.

Oh, and put a hold on that pony request from 40 years ago. I already have three dogs and I am having trouble feeding and cleaning up after them.

Thanks, Alice

Christmas past

Okay, so much for posting daily, but sometimes life gets in the way. I was going to write about my most vivid Christmas memory, but I couldn't narrow it down, so here are memories of Christmases past.

When I was a little girl, my mother would bake and decorate Christmas cut-out cookies to hang on the tree to supplement the ornaments. I also did this when the boys were young, before I had so many ornaments. The boys always thought it was great fun to be able to eat the ornaments off of the tree!

On Christmas mornings of my youth, my father always took home movies. We were never allowed to begin opening presents, until he had the lights and the camera set up. I remember many Christmas morning, begging him to hurry up. Of course, we had to then open up presents, one at a time, and hold them up for the camera.

When I was newly married (in my first marriage), we lived on the fourth floor of a tenement building (no elevator). We were pretty strapped for money, so my husband told me not to buy a Christmas tree. He told me that we wouldn't even be home for Christmas (we were going to both my parents' house and his mother's). I was appalled to think we wouldn't have a tree. The week before, I walked three blocks to the tree lot, while he was at work (we were sharing a car at the time), bought a small tree, dragged it the three blocks home and up four flights of stairs (considering all, it held up pretty well). My aunt had given me a tree stand and some old ornaments that I used. We argued about it when he got home (one of our first fights, but not the last), since I had defied his wishes. However, we had his daughters on Christmas morning and he thanked me for it then.

The first Christmas in our first house, was actually spent at my mother-in-law's house. Our furnace went out on Christmas Eve and our house was freezing. Due to the holiday, we couldn't get a repairman out until the day after Christmas. (Despite the way it sounds, we really did have some lovely holidays together.)

When the boys were still both at home and I was a single mom, we always went to the candlelight service on Christmas Eve. When we got home, it was usually after midnight and we would open one gift apiece before we went to bed. One year, I bought us all laser tag vests and guns. I made sure that those were the gifts that everyone opened that night. We ended up running around the yard after midnight, in the snow, playing laser tag. I think we finally got to bed about 2:00 am.

I have a lot of European glass ornaments that I have collected over the years. One of them is a pickle. The tradition is that after all the gifts are opened, there is one more surprise gift. Whoever can spot the pickle (hidden somewhere on the tree) first, gets the extra gift. They still expect me to have a "pickle" present.

The demon cat, that we still have now, has a bow fetish. She stalks the presents under the tree, stealing the bows and ripping up the paper. I now wait until Christmas morning to put the gifts out. But, the first year we had her, before I knew, we woke up Christmas morning to find that she had "unwrapped" all of the presents.

So...what is your favorite Christmas memory?

About me

I intended to participate in Holidailies this year, but when I checked the site on December 1st, it still said to check back soon. Apparently, they had things up right after that, scheduled to begin on December 5th, but I didn't see it until December 6th. It is now the 7th and I am going to try and play along with the home version, even though I haven't registered. I will see how it goes. Today, I am using one of their writing prompts, it said to introduce yourself. Since many of you have been reading along, you may already know something about me, but I will try to fill in some of the blanks.

I turned fifty this year, I guess that is middle age (and since I probably won't live to be 100, I suppose I have been there for a while). Yet, I do not feel middle aged, I feel like I am in the beginning stages of so many things. There is still so much I want to do, so many things I have yet to finish (or even begin), so much I am still learning. I hope that I never stop learning and evolving.

I live in Ohio, I have my entire life. I have been married (and divorced) twice, I have two sons (both now grown) that I primarily raised by myself. I now have three grandchildren, ages six, five and (almost) three. I also have three dogs (my surrogate children) and one cat that my oldest son left behind. I am trying to finish my college degree, but am currently on hiatus from school, due to money and transportation. I work in a day program with individuals who have disabilities and/or mental health disorders. I am sure that there are a lot more of the incidentals that I could include here, but my memoirs or biography would take up much more room than a blog post.

I always thought that life would get easier as I got older. I thought that things would slow down and I would have time for all of those someday things. I also thought that I would be much more financially secure. Those things might have happened, but I have made certain decisions in my life that impacted that. Some of those decisions I regret, most of them I don't. I sometimes wonder how I will ever be able to retire and since I don't know, I plan to work forever. I do enjoy working though and just staying home, for whatever reason, just does not work for me. I still am determined to finish my degree, I still hope it will happen in 2009, but even if it takes longer than that, I absolutely will do it (I am very close). I still plan to go for my Masters after that, and maybe another undergrad, since my interests and goals keep expanding. Heck, if I can go to school for a really long time, eventually I will die and stick the government with my unpaid loans.

I love to write and I will continue to do it. I know I could be much better at it and that is my goal. Maybe, with much luck and work and commitment, I may get published someday. I have a couple of short stories that my sister keeps pestering me to submit, but I don't think they are good enough, though I am flattered that she does. At the very least, I want to write something for my children and grandchildren (and whoever comes along after that). Some thoughts, traditions, family history, parts of my life that I don't ever want them to know until after I am dead, that is what I want to leave behind for them. I want to show them who I really was and why, though I might not have those answers yet. Writing is something that I make time for, regardless of how busy I become.

There are so many things that I love to do. I don't know if I would call them hobbies, because there are too many of them and I don't devote enough time to any of them. Some of those things are: quilting, sewing, cooking, gardening, various art projects, volunteering, reading, camping, hiking, travelling, entertaining, there's more, but isn't that enough? When I was younger, I owned and showed horses. I always thought I would, someday, do that again. Now, I don't have any idea where the time, money or energy for that would come from, but then again...

I sort of live my life with a someday attitude. No, I am not putting things off, I am actually very busy. There is just so much I want to do, and rather than tell myself I can't, I tell myself I will do it someday. What I ever get to actually depdends on how long I live. If I rely on family history to predict that, I will make it into my eighties (and be active until the end). My personal history, as a smoker and a cancer survivor, may negatively effect that. But when I am gone, I am gone, until then I am going to keep at it and do as much as I can.

Spiritually, I classify myself as a Christian, but others view me more as a Universalist. Whatever label I wear, I know what I believe, but I am also constantly seeking and open to other theologies. I do have a strong faith and it has seen me through a lot. Though other Christians might think I am a heretic. I do find wisdom and value in all sorts of religions, beliefs and philosophies and I don't have a problem incorporating pieces of it all together. Maybe all of us are wrong, but in the end, I just don't want to have led a hypocritical life.

Politically, I am very liberal, maybe a Socialist, but I am also practical. What that means is that I won't start a revolution, but I didn't say I wouldn't support one. I have a global sense of responsibility, we are citizens of the world. I know there are needs within our own country, but the poverty and injustice outside our borders makes me cry. I think we all have a responsibility to do something about it, and if that means someday (there's that word again) flying halfway around the world, I will. My favorite quote: Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity. ~ Horace Mann

That's what I really want, for Google to actually have the answers to all the hard questions. Other than that, you have me in a nutshell. Oh, except for the whole kink/sex/submissive part, for that read my other blog. If I've left anything out (and I've left a whole lot out) feel free to ask me about it. I just might tell you, and then again, I might not.

bilingual

My grandchildren are here tonight, their parents are out celebrating their anniversary. The older two are sleeping, they went to bed hours ago. The youngest is still awake, fighting sleep and softly singing to himself. Even though it is very late, I am sure he will be the first one up in the morning.

Earlier this evening, the dogs were whining to go out. After I let them out, I waited by the door, it is in the single digits here and I didn't want them to stay out too long. When I came back to the living room, H, the six year old, asked me a question...

"Grandma, do you speak dog?"

"What?"

"How did you know what they were saying? Do you speak dog?"

"Well...I guess I do."

"Wow, I didn't know you were bilingual."

So there you have it, another one of my amazing talents!

My two sons are extremely different from one another. Growing up they never seemed to get along. They do not fight now, but they are not close. This week they touched my heart. In several small ways, they showed much love and respect for each other. That is the kind of thing that makes a mother smile. It was nothing they said to each other, it was a few acts of kindness that they both did, I guess they are bilingual too. Their communication is rarely verbal.

I'll wrap this up with my all time favorite music video. I have definitely been in an Alanis mood for a while.