Bittersweet

This week, one of the boys (young men) I work with graduated from our program. He is probably one of my favorites (yes, I know I shouldn't have favorites). I have very mixed feelings about this. This is how it is supposed to work. Very troubled young men come to our program (usually by way of a court order). We provide counseling, training, mentoring and lots of supervision, they progress and then they leave us to go on to bigger and better things. That is not how it always works, some of these boys (they are young enough to be my sons, they are boys) will never acquire enough skills or self-control to move on. They are manipulative, they are lazy, they have mental health issues going on, they are very angry young men. Others will leave and then mess up and return to us. Some will learn what they need to learn and will be okay.

This particular young man calls me drill sarge, he has tested me time and time again. He has threatened me, cursed at me, confessed to me and tried to shock me. He is Eddie Haskell, but more sincere. He hates the program, but he knows that I care. He pushes and I push back. He is an extremely talented person. Lately, he has done really well, he has tapped into his talents. He has dared to dream and to form a plan to achieve it. He also has very little support network outside of our program. I hope he can hold it together, I hope he can keep his focus. I hope he keeps in touch. I hope he makes it.

I know I am Mom to many of these young men. I don't encourage it, but I know it can't be helped. Most of them need a mom. All of them need someone to believe in them, but also hold them accountable. Some of them I am quite fond of, some of them I think are punks. I try to put my personal feelings aside, I act professionally, I try to be fair. I also know that fair is not necessarily everyone getting the same thing, but everyone getting what they need. Sometimes though, I do feel like Mom. I feel that way, when they bring in torn clothes and ask me to sew them. I feel that way, when they expect me to bake them a birthday cake. I feel that way, when I call them on the carpet and they answer, "yes ma am." I have also felt that way after they are gone, when they have moved on. Yet, they call from a hospital bed after emergency surgery, or when their brother dies in an accident, or when they just show up and ask me if I would still sew something up for them.

Today, I wanted to tell my Eddie Haskell, don't forget to call me and let me know you are okay. I wanted to tell him not to forget that I cared about him. What I said was, "Good luck, stay out of trouble and don't let me see you back here." He said, "I'll see you around, Drill Sarge."

Finding my way back to gratitude

It has been almost a month since I posted anything on either blog. Things have not been bad, but I have been indifferent. Many days, my life has been a mere existence. I have been tired, going through the motions of everything I have to do. Time has been speeding past, minutes turning into hours, turning into days and weeks, with little being accomplished or even appreciated at times. I operate on auto-pilot, telling myself I will do this or that after this or that occurs. You know...I will _____, when I have more time, more money, more energy...when the weather is warmer or drier. Anyway, you get the idea. The problem with this 'treading water' type of existence is that I have lost my gratitude. Without realizing it, I stopped influencing my surroundings and let them influence me.

We all make a choice regarding our happiness. We make choices to use or to neglect our potential and our resources. I have been neglecting mine. Every day, we have the opportunity for joy. Our actions and our words can affirm and build up (both ourselves and others) or they can chastise and tear down. We can be proactive or we can be reactive. Today, I have chosen to be proactively joyful. Actually, I didn't really choose this, I encountered some things which shook me awake. I was pulled from my complacency and my slumber into a place of gratitude. I became recommitted to living and living well. I am grateful for all of the small things which I take for granted. I am grateful for all of my friends and family, even when they are demanding and annoying, for they provide me an outlet for my love and they trust me enough to be demanding and annoying. I am grateful for my aches and pains, they are not debilitating or terminal and I am alive and breathing. I am grateful for the the demands of my job, they show I am needed, I serve a purpose, I have stable employment in these times of economic turmoil. I am grateful for my home, I am blessed to have a comfortable dwelling to reside in. I am grateful that I have the ability to care for myself and others, that I am able to cook and clean and work. I am grateful for my mind, for my ability to think and process and conclude certain truths (at least as I see them). I am grateful for the food we have in our home, that I can feed myself and my family and even the pets. I am grateful for the messes I have to clean up, for it means that life goes on in this house and I am physically able to deal with it.

I can dwell on the lack in my life or on the abundance. I can speak of my complaints or of my blessings. My attitude and my focus determines my outcomes. I can live peacefully or in turmoil. My words and my actions determine not only my mood, but also my results.

These are some of the things that have blessed me today and directed me towards gratitude:

A Holy Experience
Her words touch me and sooth me. Even if you do not embrace her beliefs, her loving and gentle spirit is apparent in her messages.

NieNie
She was also recently on Oprah, watch the clip here.

The dogs were surrounding a spot in the grass this morning, they were all alarmed and barking. I went out to see what the commotion was about and found this (image found on Google, but this is exactly what it looked like)

It was very humorous to me to see my three dogs (ranging from 45 to 100 pounds) being so intimidated by a crawfish that was less than three inches long.

The sun is out and it is the weekend. I am feeling well. I will see J in a few days. I cleaned up a huge mess in the kitchen this morning, because my son cooked an excellent dinner for me last night. I am listening to beautiful music that makes my soul soar. My gratitude and joy have chased away those unwelcome squatters that are fear and anxiety. I danced with the dogs while cleaning the kitchen (both my grandchildren and dogs love dancing with me...yes, we are silly).