A New Outlook

Saturday, my grandchildren came over and we went to a nearby church for a Halloween party. This is not a church that I attend, but they host a lot of community outreach events. I was pleasantly amused when as we arrived, their sound system was playing "Let's do the Time Warp" from Rocky Horror. Although, there were no transvestites, we were greeted by a 1920's flapper. This is a church where I might feel comfortable.



It was a lovely event planned for the little ones, unfortunately for the church, the turn out was small. Lucky for us though, the kids got lots of attention and lots of loot. Afterwards we went out for hamburgers and ice cream. I don't mind getting them sugared up when I know I am sending them home. They will be back next Friday to trick or treat and then spend the night. That sugar rush will be all mine!

Sunday was a lazy day. I went to the grocery, and to the thrift store with my daughter-in-law to round out the kids' winter wardrobes. The rest of the day was spent cleaning, cooking and playing with the dogs. I really needed a couple of fun and lazy days. I think I will be able to return to work with a much better outlook.

Just wanted to write something short and sweet, to let you all know that I am coming out of my funk. And of course, I can't resist ending with another cartoon of a political nature. The election will be here before you know it.

Requiem

I am mourning the loss of my expectations. Expectations of myself, of others and of life. I have struggled to get through the week, I wanted to ditch work and spend the day in bed. I am a mix of emotions, most of them negative. I am still pulling most of the work load, because my co-worker is a fucking waste of oxygen. Conflict has been brewing among the clients in my group, things came to a head on Tuesday when two of them got in a fist fight. I got to break up the fight, while my co-worker was around the corner on his phone. Before I make it sound too terrible, I did not have to physically intervene. I yelled, loudly, as I was running to break it up and they backed off. The week at work just seemed to deteriorate after that.

My son and I have been arguing more. Okay not really arguing, but there has been tension and comments. We are both stressed, he is now working and going to school (gee, welcome to my world) and I am just in a funk. I have tried to talk to him about things, but we are both taking everything personally.

I have not been on top of things like I usually am. I forgot about one of the bills and now I don't have quite enough money to pay it. I forgot to get my prescription refilled and now I am out of it for the weekend. I normally thrive on being busy and can multi-task pretty well, lately I have been resentful over it.

I have not been reading all of the blogs that I usually do. Anni commented back to me, that sometimes, it makes her feel vulnerable, I realized that it makes me feel the same way. I also have not been writing as much, for the same reason. I couple of bloggers I read have made the decision to stop blogging, another one (who had a terminal illness) has died. Though, I have never personally met these people, it made me incredibly sad to lose them. I have been trying to work through these emotions, without wallowing in them. Feelings of sadness, loss and inadequacy make us human and help us grow. Maybe I am experiencing growing pains.

The whole incident at work has caused me to think. I am good at my job. I have worked in my field for over fifteen years. I have worked in behavioral units for the past nine years. I am trained to deal with aggressive and violent behaviors. I requested to work in this particular unit. I am not afraid to intervene when I need to. All of that aside, this latest incident shook me up. It was not so horrible, certainly not the worst I have dealt with, but for a split second, I hesitated. That may not seem like a big deal, but it is. My hesitation could cause someone to get seriously hurt.

I have been replaying it all week in my head. I know why I hesitated. I have always trusted the other staff to back me up, but now I don't. Our unit is more isolated and partially locked, additional help is not easily accessible. I am also not as physically strong as I used to be. I am not sure that I could restrain one of these guys by myself. My confidence is a little bit shaken. Yes, I have beaten myself up over this. My supervisor has commended me for how I dealt with the fight, she has acknowledged the serious problems with my co-worker, she has verbally addressed things with him and she has told me that I am (we are) stuck with him.

I have been feeling stuck with a lot of things. I know this is a misconception. I am not stuck, some things have just changed. To live is to be in a state of flux. Life is an amalgamation of our experiences, up to and including death. I may not like feeling vulnerable, but I am, we all are. I am not more vulnerable lately, I am just more aware of it. Much of what happens in life is outside of the scope of my control, I have to accept that and deal with it. The funny thing is, that is one of the pearls of wisdom, that I try to impart to my clients (and my children), everyday. Yet, I am still learning it. I don't think that this particular lesson is one we can master, it is a continuous process.

To mourn, we have to acknowledge a loss, express a regret. It means that we had something valuable in our lives to lose. It means that we were blessed with sometimg important and valuable to begin with. We may view those gifts as transitory, but each one of them touched us and changed us in some way. Even if we have lost them, we are better for having had them. We will be better still, if we have learned something from their loss.

Poverty

October 15th was Blog Action Day. Several bloggers that I read participated in this event. Over 12 thousand bloggers wrote on the issue of poverty, in order to raise money and awareness. I did not participate at the time, I felt unable to come up with anything that was profound enough, wise enough, to do justice to the topic. I felt that to force something would be unsuitable. I was wrong.
I now realize that I did not need to write something profound, I did not need to solve the problems of the world. I needed to think small, to keep things simple.

There are some realities of the world that can be too harsh and overwhelming, poverty is one of these. Life is sometimes very difficult, it is easy to engage in a bit of self-pity. Many months I struggle to pay my bills, I have been without a car for over a year, my oldest son has been unemployed for most of the past year, my younger son has no insurance and also has some health problems. When I dwell on these very personal realities, it is easy to decide that someone besides me, should worry about the poor. That is also why I need to keep in mind the harsher global realities. Over 24,000 people died of hunger today, most of them were children. About $40 million was spent on pet food in the USA and Europe today, my dogs eat better than many people. More than 800 million people will go to bed hungry tonight. Over a billion people live on less than a dollar a day.

When faced with those sobering statistics, I have to come to my senses and decide to leave the pity party. I am rich, I live in abundance. My awareness can be a catalyst for change. I may not be Bill Gates, I cannot set up a foundation out of my wealth, but I can share what I have. I can support local shelters and food pantries, both with my time and donations. I can share my home, both for a meal and for a bed. I can reach out to individuals, that I know, whose needs exceed my own. I can keep my surplus "stuff" (clothes, goods, household items) out of landfills, by donating to an organization that will give it a second life. I can be aware of the impact of my spending, our consumer dollars drive economic policies. I can educate myself on trade agreements, the IMF, and the World Bank and cast my votes based on that knowledge. I can educate my grandchildren to be aware of poverty and have a desire to change things. I can create and promote an atmosphere of empathy, rather than a culture of hate. I can promote awareness by writing this post.

How Angelina Jolie and I are exactly alike...almost

I think that Angelina Jolie is one of the sexiest women alive. I realize that many people may disagree or dislike her for a myriad of reasons, but she tops my beautiful women category. She recently did an interview with People Magazine and after reading it, I realized that we are exactly alike (except for the ways in which we a different). First, I will briefly summarize her interview and then I will show you our vast similarities.

In the interview, she states that she never planned on getting pregnant, but after she fell in love with Brad she suddenly felt open to it. He convinced her it was the right thing to do. She said it is one of those things you just can't explain. She also said that after having three children, she genuinely feels even sexier.

I also could not explain my desire to have children with my first husband (looking back, I still can't). And I suppose that he did not convince me, I convinced him, with impeccable reasoning. He had two children from a previous marriage. He had told me that he did not want more children, but being young and stupid, I...a) did not believe him and b) thought it would all work out. It did work out. I coerced him into a baby by telling him that I was getting pregnant and since he was my husband, he might be the best choice to be the father. (In retrospect, I was wrong, he was not the best choice.) After a baby and four more years of marriage, we divorced and I raised my son by myself. As for the even sexier after three children part, I now realize that I just needed to have one more child to achieve that level of sexiness.

I know that my comparison is a little thin, so I will tell you the rest of the ways we are alike. She is famous and fabulously rich. I am not so famous and drowning in debt. She adopts chldren from all over the world. I adopt dogs from local shelters. We both have dark brown hair. (Of course anymore, mine comes from a bottle and changes shades monthly.) She has a killer body, I dream of having a killer body.

See...exactly alike.

All I Really Want...

~All I really want is some patience, a way to calm the angry voice.
Alanis Morrisette





Life is unpredictable, I have come to expect the unexpected. I am pretty good about rolling with the punches and implementing Plan B, but there are times when I really wanted Plan A. I have decided that my co-worker isn't getting any better, I am just dealing with the situation better. Work stresses have been a little more wearing lately. Yesterday, I was at another site, working one-on-one with a different client. My day was actually pleasant, until the last half hour with him. He displayed some huge behavioral issues before going home. It did work to my advantage though, when I returned to the office, I found that my being gone had emphasized my co-worker's incompetence. The program supervisor apologized to me, saying "I had no idea how really bad he is." Of course that doesn't mean that I will be rid of him, just that things may be watched more closely.

My son's girlfriend may be moving in with us, while they save money to get a place of their own. They both work and attend school, so I don't expect to see much of them, but it is an adjustment. I have been seeing him struggle to pull away and become more independent. I do recognize that as the cause of most of our conflicts (nothing big, just occasional quarrels). It is sometimes difficult for both of us to let go.

Last night I was exhausted, in addition to the day leaving me wrung out, I did not feel well. I do feel better this morning, but I am still tired and subdued. Today is a beautiful day though, it is sunny and cool and the leaves are changing. This is my favorite time of year, despite the ongoing problem of the dogs tracking in leaves and mud. As much work and aggravation as they can cause me, I love them. I don't think there is a creature on earth that can exude so much excitement and unconditional love as a dog. Everyday, when I arrive after work, I see three happy faces and three wagging tails in the window. Unlike the morning (trying to get out the door without being covered in hair or pawprints), the evening is full of big dog hugs and kisses. They can cheer me up no matter what mood I am in. I hope someday, that I live up to their (seemingly) unblemished perception of me.







My gratitude has been abundant today. I smiled as I woke up thinking of J. Remembering the last time he was here and sleeping in his arms. I smiled at being greeted by the dogs, outside of my bedroom door. In the kitchen, I smiled at the smell of coffee and my grandchildren's artwork on my refrigerator. I smiled at the sunshine and the crisp fall air, when I took the dogs outside. I am grateful for all of those things. They reflect my blessings. I am blessed by a wonderful relationship, I am blessed by my family and my home. I am blessed with health and a rich, fulfilling life. I am blessed with a job (that I mostly like) and the income that it earns. I am blessed to live in a country where I wake up hearing birds, not bombs. Where I have more food in my kitchen, then some places have in an entire village. Where I have clean, safe water at the turn of a handle. Where medical care is only a phone call away. Where my main concerns are bills, politics, and home improvement, rather than my next meal, if my children/grandchildren will survive the next year, and if my home will be bombed.

What are you grateful for today?

Celebrations

This weekend was celebratory in nature. I am celebrating the fact that I made it through the week. My handyman finished most of the work he was hired to do. I now have both toilets working as they should, all of my kitchen cabinets are now hung, my walls are patched and are ready for me to paint them, and a non-working water softener is out of my laundry room (giving me more room in there). My house is still not really clean, but I have been working on it and it is much more orderly. My son begins his college classes on Monday, all of the financial aid papers are completed and filed. I have gotten some rest and had some marvelous party and family time at my niece's wedding.

Yesterday, my niece got married. Her mother is my sister that I do not always get along with. My niece has always been a bit spoiled and self-centered. My mother and my other sister were coming into town for the wedding. I was looking forward to seeing them, but not really anticipating the wedding itself. Now that it is over, I must admit, I had a lovely time. The mother-of-the-bride was very stressed (which usually leads to misunderstandings and arguments). Instead of problems arising, she came to my other sister and myself and asked for our help with things, which we gladly gave. The time we spent, all pulling together and helping, was a bit of a bonding moment for us. We worked together and joked and got a lot done. My niece was absolutely beautiful, she and her fiance planned a touching ceremony and fun reception. She personified grace and hospitality.

The reception was a wonderful party. The bride and groom used a video game theme and also made their own play list for music. It was fun and creative. My youngest son brought his girlfriend. They have been together for over a year, but this was her first exposure to the entire family. We all talked, ate, drank and danced. We enjoyed each other's company and laughed over family jokes. The evening gave me new appreciation for my family. It also allowed me to let my hair down. I danced with my son, my sister, and my nephew's wife (slow and fast respectively) and also sang karaoke at the table (into a beer bottle microphone), and no we weren't drunk, just having a good time. I often forget how much fun it can be to hang out with my family, especially when we are all getting along.

As with any family, through the years we have been very close at times, but we have also had the ability to inflict the deepest hurts. I am happy to say, that when it really counts, we are there for each other. Through deaths and divorces and illnesses, we are able to put our differences aside and provide aid and comfort. We are a proud and stubborn lot, it is hard for us to ask for help, but when we do, we are family in every sense of the word.