I feel an exhaustion and ache and hurt that permeates my entire being. There is a dull throbbing pain which goes clear to my soul. Too much, just too much has happened and I want to turn back the clock, turn away and pretend that everything is good and normal and this is a bad dream. Sadly, I can't. I can't take back my words at work that flew out of my mouth in a fit of fury and arrogance. I can't take back the day last week that my grandchildren's other grandparent, and the father of my son's wife, put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger. I can't dry their tears, because I can't dry my own. So I cry and I ache and I hope. Because there is always hope, even when things are hopeless.
When things are good and right, hope is unnecessary. There is little to hope for, because things are as they should be. It is in the midst of the storm that I cling to hope, to the trust that tomorrow will be better and the day after that and the day after that. How do you find rational words to describe an irrational act? How do you tell children that he never wanted to hurt them, when all they feel right now is hurt? How do you help children cope and heal and feel safe, when the adults are all acting worse than children? So I hug and I love and I listen. I listen to children's questions, ones that do not have a good answer. I listen to a daughter's pain and grief. I listen to a husband and a father who fears and hurts for his family. I listen to people I have only a cursory relationship with, as they look to me for words of understanding and comfort. I listen to the words of a man, who hurt so much he couldn't live another day. I listen for the voice of God, who seems so very far away. Yet, he is close and near. He is weeping with all of us, holding every broken person. He was there when the gun went off. He was there when a father-in-law discovered a bloody, bloated body. He was there when the children's world was shattered. He heard the wails of the survivors at the funeral.
I talk and reassure and give the right responses, the ones I learned in my counseling classes. They seem so hollow and inadequate. I feel like a fraud. They all turn to me for strength and for answers and I am short on both. I move forward as I am mired at the same time. I wait on the Lord, on the healing, on the wisdom. Yet, even as I wait, I keep taking one step at a time, praying that none of them are missteps.
In the depths of my hurt and weakness the Lord sends me comfort and wisdom and love. J is my rock and my lifeline. He pulls me out of the dark and helps me find my footing on solid ground. He tells me the truth, the things I need to hear and believe. His care and concern are humbling. His love is strengthening. He is a voice of reason, when I think reason does not exist. Scripture and poetry speak to my heart and express the feelings I cannot put into words. A friend messages me, the truest words I can imagine, given the situation. She will never know how her words are a salve to my soul. "It is sensless to us, and the only thing that made sense to him, I think that was the only thing he could see. He would never want to cause such pain for all of you. I just believe he could see nothing else. I pray he may now truly rest in the peace. Thank you for your friendship and trust. You are such a strong women and I am blessed to know you." It makes me wonder how I am a blessing. I do not feel strong or good or wise.
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23
I think of God's people. I think of the Jews coming out of Egypt, moving forward on their faith in the Lord's promise. I think of the Jews in the death camps, clinging to their faith and God's promises. How can anyone have faith or hold onto traditions after something like that? Yet the traditions, the ritual, are comforting, familiar and hopeful. I feel a kinship and an understanding. I feel their hope, it sustains me. So, I take up holidays that are not mine, not part of my heritage. I will embrace this new year, a fresh start. I pray for mercy to be shown to me over the next year. I will hope for better times. I am a wild branch that has been grafted in. I am an adopted child, grateful for the grace and love.
Even in pain, I am so greatly blessed. I am blessed by J. I am blessed by good friends' words. I am blessed by my faith. I am blessed by those broken survivors in the wake of a tragedy. For he is compassionate and gracious and slow to anger and abundant in loving kindness and truth.
..
Friday, September 30, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Well, It's All Right
People seem to put a lot of stock in the beginning of a new year, like somehow that magic strike of the clock will make their problems disappear. I can understand how we can look at it as a fresh start, all things old are new again. The problem is when people are disappointed. When things are not better or things get off to a rocky start and then people say, "I thought things would be better, but they're not." or "this year is going to be no better than last year." It is all just markers of time and it all means nothing. I have been guilty of it myself, wanting, waiting and proclaiming new starts. The fact is, we can start fresh any time. We do not have to wait until the new year or new week or when we turn a year older. We do not even have to wait for things to get better.
Life is life. There will always be good and bad and lots of in between. People will come and go, be born and die, bless us and disappoint us, that is life. Yes, I want to win the lottery and spend every day with J and not have to work. I want to pay off my debts and repair my house and help my children get ahead. The fact is, even if I win the lottery, my one son will not become more responsible, he will only expect me to bail him out more. All the money in the world will not make people kinder or reliable, it will only bring out their ugly side faster. People will still say unkind things and go on shooting rampages and hurt children and animals. Children in Africa will still die of AIDS and starvation and abuse. Dogs and cats will still be abandoned and neglected and tortured. The more resources I have the more I can reach out, but I cannot change the world.
In the past couple of weeks, some friends have died, good people have been shot and killed, my finances have not improved, my sister is severely depressed and worried about everything, my son's car has developed a few more problems. One of my lost boys has called to see if he can move back in. (Yes he can, I have no idea how I will support/subsidize one more person.) Everyone I talk to has some sad tale and the new year is not off to a good start. Some days, I don't want to be here, I don't want to be me. That is because life is messy and the world can be harsh. The more I decide that I want to make a difference, be closer to God, engage the Universe, put out good Karma, the harder it can become. I know people who take the ostrich approach, "I don't watch the news, because I don't want to know about all the bad things that are happening." "I don't want to love too much, because I will always get hurt." "There is nothing I can do about the starving children, the war, the hate, so I do nothing." "I have enough to worry about with just my own problems, so I don't want to hear about anyone else's."
I have used the ostrich approach myself. It doesn't work. Bad things still happen. The strange thing about those bad things is that nothing is all bad. When we don't have enough, we can be more thankful for what we do have. When someone dies, we can rejoice and celebrate the fact that we knew them. When we know about the bad news, we can strive for a solution, we can try to make a difference, we can love and care. We can become more tolerant of other beliefs, we can be careful not to engage in hate speech or bigotry. That child still may die of AIDS, but don't they deserve to have someone mourn their passing? The past couple of years I have focused on the blessings. That approach doesn't always work, worry still creeps in, sometimes my heart still breaks. I can still rejoice, I can still be thankful. There is always just enough. Even when my resources get stretched further and further, there is always just enough. I don't look too far down the road, I deal with one day at a time, I celebrate whenever I can, I laugh and love and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am rich and blessed and content. I have so much more than so many, that is how I know I can stretch it more...again and again.
I am not overly religious, I am probably more of a heretic and sinner than I am a person of faith. I don't think it matters if I attend church. I don't think my sexual preference or history makes me good or bad. I am sure I have told my share of lies. Some days I get my hope from my belief in the Lord, some days from my connection with the Universe, some days I pull that strength out of myself. Maybe that is how I make it, I find my faith in all things, from all sources. I may be confused, I may be naive, you may choose to call me a Unitarian or sacrilegious. It is all God to me, I don't care what name you choose to use. I have faith my lamp will burn for eight days. I have faith that my handful of flour and little bit of oil will last until the day the Lord sends rain on the land. I have faith that my ripples I put in the Universe will spread blessings and sustain me. I have faith that Karma will be favorable and elevate me on my quest for Nirvana. I have faith that even if there is nothing greater than me, my actions will give me peace and allow me to sleep at night.
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances. 1Thessalonians 5:16-18
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire, he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Psalm 40:1-3
Keep your loins girded and your lamps burning. Luke 12:35
Well it's all right, riding around in the breeze.
Well it's all right, if you live the life you please.
Well it's all right, doing the best you can.
Well it's all right, as long as you lend a hand.
End of the Line ~ The Traveling Wilburys
Life is life. There will always be good and bad and lots of in between. People will come and go, be born and die, bless us and disappoint us, that is life. Yes, I want to win the lottery and spend every day with J and not have to work. I want to pay off my debts and repair my house and help my children get ahead. The fact is, even if I win the lottery, my one son will not become more responsible, he will only expect me to bail him out more. All the money in the world will not make people kinder or reliable, it will only bring out their ugly side faster. People will still say unkind things and go on shooting rampages and hurt children and animals. Children in Africa will still die of AIDS and starvation and abuse. Dogs and cats will still be abandoned and neglected and tortured. The more resources I have the more I can reach out, but I cannot change the world.
In the past couple of weeks, some friends have died, good people have been shot and killed, my finances have not improved, my sister is severely depressed and worried about everything, my son's car has developed a few more problems. One of my lost boys has called to see if he can move back in. (Yes he can, I have no idea how I will support/subsidize one more person.) Everyone I talk to has some sad tale and the new year is not off to a good start. Some days, I don't want to be here, I don't want to be me. That is because life is messy and the world can be harsh. The more I decide that I want to make a difference, be closer to God, engage the Universe, put out good Karma, the harder it can become. I know people who take the ostrich approach, "I don't watch the news, because I don't want to know about all the bad things that are happening." "I don't want to love too much, because I will always get hurt." "There is nothing I can do about the starving children, the war, the hate, so I do nothing." "I have enough to worry about with just my own problems, so I don't want to hear about anyone else's."
I have used the ostrich approach myself. It doesn't work. Bad things still happen. The strange thing about those bad things is that nothing is all bad. When we don't have enough, we can be more thankful for what we do have. When someone dies, we can rejoice and celebrate the fact that we knew them. When we know about the bad news, we can strive for a solution, we can try to make a difference, we can love and care. We can become more tolerant of other beliefs, we can be careful not to engage in hate speech or bigotry. That child still may die of AIDS, but don't they deserve to have someone mourn their passing? The past couple of years I have focused on the blessings. That approach doesn't always work, worry still creeps in, sometimes my heart still breaks. I can still rejoice, I can still be thankful. There is always just enough. Even when my resources get stretched further and further, there is always just enough. I don't look too far down the road, I deal with one day at a time, I celebrate whenever I can, I laugh and love and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am rich and blessed and content. I have so much more than so many, that is how I know I can stretch it more...again and again.
I am not overly religious, I am probably more of a heretic and sinner than I am a person of faith. I don't think it matters if I attend church. I don't think my sexual preference or history makes me good or bad. I am sure I have told my share of lies. Some days I get my hope from my belief in the Lord, some days from my connection with the Universe, some days I pull that strength out of myself. Maybe that is how I make it, I find my faith in all things, from all sources. I may be confused, I may be naive, you may choose to call me a Unitarian or sacrilegious. It is all God to me, I don't care what name you choose to use. I have faith my lamp will burn for eight days. I have faith that my handful of flour and little bit of oil will last until the day the Lord sends rain on the land. I have faith that my ripples I put in the Universe will spread blessings and sustain me. I have faith that Karma will be favorable and elevate me on my quest for Nirvana. I have faith that even if there is nothing greater than me, my actions will give me peace and allow me to sleep at night.
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances. 1Thessalonians 5:16-18
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire, he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Psalm 40:1-3
Keep your loins girded and your lamps burning. Luke 12:35
Well it's all right, riding around in the breeze.
Well it's all right, if you live the life you please.
Well it's all right, doing the best you can.
Well it's all right, as long as you lend a hand.
End of the Line ~ The Traveling Wilburys
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