I have been too busy and distracted to put together a blog post in a while. That is not a good thing for me, since writing helps me focus and gain perspective. In an attempt to gain a little perspective, I am going to just jot down some random thoughts and hope to make some sense of it all.
I mentioned a while back, that I had a new assignment at work. Let it suffice to say that I provide vocational, social, and life skills training, as well as some group sessions and recreation for my group. My group consists of young men, who have some mental health concerns, who have made extremely poor choices in their lives, most of whom have had pretty rough childhoods and most of whom are court ordered to be in this program. Needless to say, none of them want to be there. None of them want to cop to their offenses. None of them like each other. All of them, for at least a portion of each day, don't like me. Today, at different times during the day, I was called: sweetcakes, an old hag, and you f__king bitch. I sometimes feel like a warden, sometimes a social worker, sometimes a mom, and sometimes I feel like a f__king bitch. Most of the time, I like these guys, sometimes I want to smack some sense into them (which I don't), and sometimes they break my heart. Do not worry, I am not too emotionally involved. I have worked in my field for over eleven years, I care about my clients, I advocate for them, I do what I can, but at the end of the day I go home and am thankful to leave them behind.
I am also thankful to leave my co-worker behind. He is an idiot. He is getting better, but I am not his supervisor, his mother, or his trainer and I am having to function in all of those capacities. He is a horrible example to our clients, furthermore, his stupidity may get someone hurt. Today, he told all of us (clients included) that the financial crisis was a government plot. They want the economy to fail, and in a few years, the U.S., Canada, and Mexico will be all one nation. According to him, this is all foretold in the Bible. He is also opposed to Obama, because his middle name is Hussein and he is black. He told me that he's not prejudiced or racist, he likes blacks, just not the city blacks, because they don't know their place. He bases his vote on who the NRA tells him to vote for. He also hates gays, Muslims, and the NAACP. I don't even waste my breath anymore, he is too stupid to argue with. I figure that the mere fact that I haven't killed him, makes me a better person (please tell me it is true).
I am tired of my sons making poor choices (okay, not as poor as my clients). My youngest son is actually making some very good choices, but he is lousy with money. He has come to expect that when he is out of money he can come to me. (My own fault, I know.) I am tired of it, this week, the bank of mom is closed. He is pissed, probably more at himself than at me, but he is being passive aggressive. Unlike work, I am having a hard time leaving this at the door. My ex-husband was passive aggressive, so is my mother, I find it to be annoying and manipulative. I am hoping that unlike them, my son will grow up and get over it. In the meantime, I am keeping my mouth shut and feeling hurt. (Gee, maybe I am passive aggressive too?)
I am trying to do all kinds of work around my house, I am tired of it being torn up and unfinished. I am also too tired after work to be motivated to do much. I have never been an immaculate housekeeper, but in the midst of the mess I am lousy. I am craving order, but am too tired to achieve it. It is getting done, but too slowly for my liking. I need to tap my friends and have a painting and housecleaning party. I do realize that with three dogs, a cat and a twenty year old son at home, immaculate is a pipe dream, but presentable would be heaven.
Okay, the gripes are over. Last weekend, I took my three grandchildren to the zoo. They were little angels for me (very unusual) and we had a wonderful time. I packed a picnic, we played on the playground, and we saw all of the animals. Well, almost, we missed the penguins and the zoo had no buffalo. When we realized we missed the penguins, we were on the other side of the zoo, preparing to go home. So I lied, I told my six-year old grandson that it was too hot for them and they were up north. I told him that we would see them when we came for the Christmas light display. He said, Jeez, no buffalo and no penguins, what kind of zoo is this? Gotta love the little ones.
I also went to the Farmer's Market last weekend. I try to go every weekend, but this was the last weekend for the year. I stocked up. Tonight, I had fresh tomatoes and sauteed zucchini for dinner. I cannot begin to tell you how good it was. A friend of mine also gave me a huge jade plant today. She was tired of it, it is beautiful!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
friendship and politics
After my "end of the world post", I got an e-mail from my geek friend (the one that sent me the LHC link). Actually, the link he sent me was a rap made at the LHC facility. In his e-mail response he says; "I'm still dizzy. From "Hey, here's a funny geek video." To "O-Ba-Ma, O-Ba-Ma" in four paragraphs." And, to prove that all of my friends are not liberal whack jobs like me, I will include this link he sent to me http://www.bobbarr2008.com/.
Okay, I'll fess up, that didn't start as a political post, but that's where my mind took me. Can't help it, tis the season, and I am a bit passionate about the results of the election. I believe that four more years of eroding the Constitution will do irreparable harm to our country. Be forewarned, this is going to be a political rant, and it will probably be disjointed and rambling as well. I have a lot of thoughts on the matter and they don't always occur in a sequential way.
Let me state up front, I am an Obama supporter. I believe that he can implement the changes that need to occur in the country. I believe that he will uphold the Constitution, something that hasn't been done for the last eight years. At the very least, he will be able to stem the tide of fear and power grabbing that we have seen under the Bush administration. That said, I will admit, that early on in the primaries, I was impressed by Ron Paul. I did not agree with everything he stood for, but I believed that he wanted to protect and preserve the Constitution. I believed he was honest and knowledgeable concerning foreign affairs and the economy. I think that the Republicans would be in a better position today, if they had payed attention to his powerful grass roots following and his common sense approach. But, they didn't, they made him out to be a maverick and a joke. Although, he is a Republican office holder, he is really a Libertarian, and many of his views reflect that. My views are far left of his, but I might have supported him if he won the Republican nomination. I am not willing to back a third party candidate. I believe that the two party system needs to be changed. I think that the public needs more of a choice. Progress is severely limited by partisan politics. However, that is what we have. I know that there are more than two recognized parties, but the others simply do not have enough clout. I admit that my attitude reflects one reason why another party cannot become a serious contender in the political scene.
I think this will be a close election. I worry about the Democrats' ability to get out the vote. Many of Obama's supporters are part of demographics that do not regularly vote. The conservative Christians still have a lot of political influence. They may not be fans of McCain, but his choosing Sarah Palin is an attempt to lure them in. I hate the election years and the campaigning. Too many lies and smears and double-talk. The more I learn of McCain and Palin, the more they scare me. I believe that, if elected, their administration could be worse than Bush and Co. ever was. I was hoping that this campaign would be different. I was hoping that the voters would be so fed up, they would see through the lies and demand the truth. I was hoping that the state of the economy and the endless war and massive military budget would prompt people to become informed. I was naive. Even in the light of the recent billion dollar corporate bail-outs (which included huge pay-outs to the CEOs that grossly mismanaged the companies), many voters still do not see the need for a change. Many Americans still view the world from a fear based, hegemonic, ethnocentric mentality.
I am appalled that, as a nation, we still have the idea that the United states should continue to extend the scope of its power and influence over the entire world. This continuing idea that Manifest Destiny and expansionism is our right and our purpose, even when we cannot care for our own nation and its citizens, is outrageous. Whatever happened to the idea of getting your own house in order first? Beyond that, why do we have the right to impose our views and our culture on the entire world? In light of all that has occurred in our country, how do we continue to believe that we are "the city on the hill"? The truth is this whole ideology is a thinly veiled attempt to promote capitalistic ventures and hold economic superiority. Yet, much of our national debt is owed to China and our government continues to spend at phenomenal rates. As a nation, we are bankrupt, both economically and morally and we are headed for a rude awakening. Change will occur, we can either vote for a change or be mercilessly swept away by the tides of change that are going to inevitably rush in. Either way, we ain't seen nothin yet.
Okay, I'll fess up, that didn't start as a political post, but that's where my mind took me. Can't help it, tis the season, and I am a bit passionate about the results of the election. I believe that four more years of eroding the Constitution will do irreparable harm to our country. Be forewarned, this is going to be a political rant, and it will probably be disjointed and rambling as well. I have a lot of thoughts on the matter and they don't always occur in a sequential way.
Let me state up front, I am an Obama supporter. I believe that he can implement the changes that need to occur in the country. I believe that he will uphold the Constitution, something that hasn't been done for the last eight years. At the very least, he will be able to stem the tide of fear and power grabbing that we have seen under the Bush administration. That said, I will admit, that early on in the primaries, I was impressed by Ron Paul. I did not agree with everything he stood for, but I believed that he wanted to protect and preserve the Constitution. I believed he was honest and knowledgeable concerning foreign affairs and the economy. I think that the Republicans would be in a better position today, if they had payed attention to his powerful grass roots following and his common sense approach. But, they didn't, they made him out to be a maverick and a joke. Although, he is a Republican office holder, he is really a Libertarian, and many of his views reflect that. My views are far left of his, but I might have supported him if he won the Republican nomination. I am not willing to back a third party candidate. I believe that the two party system needs to be changed. I think that the public needs more of a choice. Progress is severely limited by partisan politics. However, that is what we have. I know that there are more than two recognized parties, but the others simply do not have enough clout. I admit that my attitude reflects one reason why another party cannot become a serious contender in the political scene.
I think this will be a close election. I worry about the Democrats' ability to get out the vote. Many of Obama's supporters are part of demographics that do not regularly vote. The conservative Christians still have a lot of political influence. They may not be fans of McCain, but his choosing Sarah Palin is an attempt to lure them in. I hate the election years and the campaigning. Too many lies and smears and double-talk. The more I learn of McCain and Palin, the more they scare me. I believe that, if elected, their administration could be worse than Bush and Co. ever was. I was hoping that this campaign would be different. I was hoping that the voters would be so fed up, they would see through the lies and demand the truth. I was hoping that the state of the economy and the endless war and massive military budget would prompt people to become informed. I was naive. Even in the light of the recent billion dollar corporate bail-outs (which included huge pay-outs to the CEOs that grossly mismanaged the companies), many voters still do not see the need for a change. Many Americans still view the world from a fear based, hegemonic, ethnocentric mentality.
I am appalled that, as a nation, we still have the idea that the United states should continue to extend the scope of its power and influence over the entire world. This continuing idea that Manifest Destiny and expansionism is our right and our purpose, even when we cannot care for our own nation and its citizens, is outrageous. Whatever happened to the idea of getting your own house in order first? Beyond that, why do we have the right to impose our views and our culture on the entire world? In light of all that has occurred in our country, how do we continue to believe that we are "the city on the hill"? The truth is this whole ideology is a thinly veiled attempt to promote capitalistic ventures and hold economic superiority. Yet, much of our national debt is owed to China and our government continues to spend at phenomenal rates. As a nation, we are bankrupt, both economically and morally and we are headed for a rude awakening. Change will occur, we can either vote for a change or be mercilessly swept away by the tides of change that are going to inevitably rush in. Either way, we ain't seen nothin yet.
Little did I know
Last Saturday, when I posted about the end of the world, I had no idea that on Sunday we would experience a hurricane here in Ohio. Okay, not really, but the remnant of Ike blew it's way into town and for four hours we had 30 to 40 mph winds, with gusts of 80 mph. Not only did it cause extensive property damage, it left about 300,000 homes without electric (including mine). I am very lucky, I only lost a few tree limbs (and a refrigerator full of food), but my neighbors lost siding, roofs, and whole trees. My power was finally restored on Wednesday, but as of this morning, almost 90,000 customers are entering day seven, still in the dark. For me it was more of an inconvenience than anything else, but I was a little stir crazy by Tuesday night.
The storm itself was pretty surreal. No rain, sun was shining, just incredibly strong winds. I sat in my living room watching trees snap off and things go flying by, while my dogs all nervously tried to climb in my lap. I felt like Dorothy waiting to be swept off to Oz. However, it was the following three days without power that I found to be draining. It was only a glimpse of what people in Texas (who truly experienced the hurricane) went through. I continued to go to work (we had power there), the evenings at home in the dark that became rather depressing. The dogs remained nervous and clingy until our electric and our routine were restored. I would sit alone in the dark, trying to read or journal, by candlelight or flashlight. I usually just gave up and went to bed early. I was blessed and continued to have phone service and water (though only cold), but I was ecstatic when the lights came back on. I will admit, coffee, hot showers, and my computer are the things I missed the most.
I have vowed to be a little better prepared for an emergency, but we'll see if I actually follow through. This weekend I need to finish cleaning up the yard and restock the fridge. Oh, and catch up on the blogs that I read, I've missed you all.
The storm itself was pretty surreal. No rain, sun was shining, just incredibly strong winds. I sat in my living room watching trees snap off and things go flying by, while my dogs all nervously tried to climb in my lap. I felt like Dorothy waiting to be swept off to Oz. However, it was the following three days without power that I found to be draining. It was only a glimpse of what people in Texas (who truly experienced the hurricane) went through. I continued to go to work (we had power there), the evenings at home in the dark that became rather depressing. The dogs remained nervous and clingy until our electric and our routine were restored. I would sit alone in the dark, trying to read or journal, by candlelight or flashlight. I usually just gave up and went to bed early. I was blessed and continued to have phone service and water (though only cold), but I was ecstatic when the lights came back on. I will admit, coffee, hot showers, and my computer are the things I missed the most.
I have vowed to be a little better prepared for an emergency, but we'll see if I actually follow through. This weekend I need to finish cleaning up the yard and restock the fridge. Oh, and catch up on the blogs that I read, I've missed you all.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
It's the end of the world as we know it
Did I ever mention that I failed Physics in high school? Much to my father's chagrin, as he held a degree in Physics. I got the basic concepts (sort of), but as the concepts and theories progressed (as well as the mathematical equations), I floundered in a sea of knowledge that I just could not wrap my brain around. Despite my futile attempts to understand current scientific theories and paradigms, I continue trying. I am fascinated by Physics (and the metaphysical), I decipher theories the best that I can. I see a correlation between science and philosophy and religion (though possibly some of the parallels that I draw, exist only in my mind). I keep taxing my pea-sized brain with reading theories and accounts of things that I will never fully understand.
So...when one of my geeky friends sent me a link about the LHC (Large Hadron Collider), I began to research and find out as much as I could understand. It is the most powerful particle accelerator ever built. It is located in a 17 mile long underground tunnel between France and Switzerland. It took 14 years and $8 billion to build and it was activated on September 10 at 4:28 AM. It is the hope of physicists at CERN (the European Organization for Nuclear Research) that future experiments will prove the existence of the Higgs Boson (or the God particle). It is theorized, that this single particle is responsible for giving everything in the universe its mass. It is a theory that I do not even try to understand, based on a set of equations on the interaction of sub-atomic particles and the Big Bang Theory. I know that my explanation is rather vague, that is due to my limited understanding of the whole thing. If you really care, there is enough information on the web to read about it for a lifetime. Or watch this for a more scientific explanation of the LHC (besides, you have to love his accent and the sound effects):
LHC for Dummies
The LHC almost never came online, a lawsuit had been filed to delay and block the LHC from being turned on. There are some people (quasi-physicists) that believe the LHC will result in the creation of a black hole and the entire planet will be destroyed (sucked into the aforementioned black hole). This is where I sigh in resignation. I look at so much scientific research that is being slowed and interfered with on the premise that it is dangerous or immoral. The objections are not coming from other scientists (usually) but from well-intentioned, but ignorant lay people. In this particular case, black holes exist in theory only (at least as far as we know) and that theory is deeply flawed. I am not knowledgeable enough to claim the LHC poses no threat, but it is probably much less than the dangers of nuclear power plants and reactors. A physicist from CERN did admit that in theory, a black hole could be produced, but it would be so tiny and fleeting that it would not pose any threat. The idea that the particle collisions in the LHC will result in a black hole that will suck up the earth, is similar to the idea that stem cell research will result in the maniacal harvesting of unborn fetuses to fuel it. President Bush and his like-minded supporters would rather throw embryos into a dumpster, than allow them to be used to obtain stem cells. They can also justify the killing of children within a war (collateral damage is permissible to an extent), but not using non-viable embryos to possibly save lives.
Sadly, those people that usually become "up in arms," have no real knowledge of science or its process. Nor do they want real science taught in schools. They prefer to keep their heads in the sand and allow God (and George W. Bush) to take care of things. Rather than pursue and accept real solutions to real problems today, they choose to mire themselves in their ignorant bliss. Regardless of anything I have to say, I know some people that believe that John McCain is the poster husband/father for family values. That Sarah Palin is just like Hillary Clinton (after all, they're both women). That even though 17 year old Bristol Palin is pregnant, abstinence only sex education works. That because Barack Obama's last name rhymes with Osama and his middle name is Hussein, he must be a fundamentalist Muslim. (Of course if this were true, than maybe electing him to be President is the best way to protect the United States from terrorist attacks by fundamentalist Muslims.) (Please recognize the sarcastic and tongue in cheek nature of that last comment.) Unlike the conservative ostriches that surround me, I am ready for a change.
So...when one of my geeky friends sent me a link about the LHC (Large Hadron Collider), I began to research and find out as much as I could understand. It is the most powerful particle accelerator ever built. It is located in a 17 mile long underground tunnel between France and Switzerland. It took 14 years and $8 billion to build and it was activated on September 10 at 4:28 AM. It is the hope of physicists at CERN (the European Organization for Nuclear Research) that future experiments will prove the existence of the Higgs Boson (or the God particle). It is theorized, that this single particle is responsible for giving everything in the universe its mass. It is a theory that I do not even try to understand, based on a set of equations on the interaction of sub-atomic particles and the Big Bang Theory. I know that my explanation is rather vague, that is due to my limited understanding of the whole thing. If you really care, there is enough information on the web to read about it for a lifetime. Or watch this for a more scientific explanation of the LHC (besides, you have to love his accent and the sound effects):
LHC for Dummies
The LHC almost never came online, a lawsuit had been filed to delay and block the LHC from being turned on. There are some people (quasi-physicists) that believe the LHC will result in the creation of a black hole and the entire planet will be destroyed (sucked into the aforementioned black hole). This is where I sigh in resignation. I look at so much scientific research that is being slowed and interfered with on the premise that it is dangerous or immoral. The objections are not coming from other scientists (usually) but from well-intentioned, but ignorant lay people. In this particular case, black holes exist in theory only (at least as far as we know) and that theory is deeply flawed. I am not knowledgeable enough to claim the LHC poses no threat, but it is probably much less than the dangers of nuclear power plants and reactors. A physicist from CERN did admit that in theory, a black hole could be produced, but it would be so tiny and fleeting that it would not pose any threat. The idea that the particle collisions in the LHC will result in a black hole that will suck up the earth, is similar to the idea that stem cell research will result in the maniacal harvesting of unborn fetuses to fuel it. President Bush and his like-minded supporters would rather throw embryos into a dumpster, than allow them to be used to obtain stem cells. They can also justify the killing of children within a war (collateral damage is permissible to an extent), but not using non-viable embryos to possibly save lives.
Sadly, those people that usually become "up in arms," have no real knowledge of science or its process. Nor do they want real science taught in schools. They prefer to keep their heads in the sand and allow God (and George W. Bush) to take care of things. Rather than pursue and accept real solutions to real problems today, they choose to mire themselves in their ignorant bliss. Regardless of anything I have to say, I know some people that believe that John McCain is the poster husband/father for family values. That Sarah Palin is just like Hillary Clinton (after all, they're both women). That even though 17 year old Bristol Palin is pregnant, abstinence only sex education works. That because Barack Obama's last name rhymes with Osama and his middle name is Hussein, he must be a fundamentalist Muslim. (Of course if this were true, than maybe electing him to be President is the best way to protect the United States from terrorist attacks by fundamentalist Muslims.) (Please recognize the sarcastic and tongue in cheek nature of that last comment.) Unlike the conservative ostriches that surround me, I am ready for a change.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
7 things
I stole this from Fusion, though I love his answers and I don't think mine will be as good.
7 things I plan to do before I die
1. Finish my Bachelors Degree
2. and my Masters
3. Live in South or Central America, doing humanitarian work (Bolivia or Guatemala)
4. Get something published (probably not a book, but an essay or short story)
5. Camp my way across the country
6. Travel in Europe
7. Travel across Canada by rail
7 things I can do
1. Write well, not fantastically, but well
2. Cook and bake
3. Sew and quilt (yes, I know quilting is sewing)
4. Camp, this is a talent. I can put up any tent (in the dark), I can build a fire in the rain, I can cook on a camp stove or a fire
5. Solve crossword puzzles
6. Drive a stick shift.
7. Get by on very little money
7 things I cannot do
1. Get out of debt
2. Tolerate whining
3. Knit or crochet
4. Have a decent conversation with my crazy sister
5. Throw a football
6. Open jars
7. Look down from high places
7 things that attract me to the opposite sex
1. Intelligence
2. Sense of humor
3. Self confidence
4. Nice forearms
5. Honesty
6. Manners
7. Eye contact
7 things I say most often
1. I don't know (I do know, this is what I say)
2. I know (so, do I know or don't know?)
3. Shit
4. Okay, sure
5. We'll see
6. Get down (talking to the dogs)
7. Come on boys (also talking to the dogs)
7 celebrity crushes
1. Sean Connery
2. Nicholas Cage
3. David Letterman
4. Kevin Costner (as a baseball player)
5. Johnny Depp (as a dirty pirate)
6. John Travolta (as an angel)
7. Jimmy Smits/Denzel Washington (please don't make me choose)
7 people who need to do this
1. Everyone
2. should
3. play
4. along
5. in
6. their
7. head
7 things I plan to do before I die
1. Finish my Bachelors Degree
2. and my Masters
3. Live in South or Central America, doing humanitarian work (Bolivia or Guatemala)
4. Get something published (probably not a book, but an essay or short story)
5. Camp my way across the country
6. Travel in Europe
7. Travel across Canada by rail
7 things I can do
1. Write well, not fantastically, but well
2. Cook and bake
3. Sew and quilt (yes, I know quilting is sewing)
4. Camp, this is a talent. I can put up any tent (in the dark), I can build a fire in the rain, I can cook on a camp stove or a fire
5. Solve crossword puzzles
6. Drive a stick shift.
7. Get by on very little money
7 things I cannot do
1. Get out of debt
2. Tolerate whining
3. Knit or crochet
4. Have a decent conversation with my crazy sister
5. Throw a football
6. Open jars
7. Look down from high places
7 things that attract me to the opposite sex
1. Intelligence
2. Sense of humor
3. Self confidence
4. Nice forearms
5. Honesty
6. Manners
7. Eye contact
7 things I say most often
1. I don't know (I do know, this is what I say)
2. I know (so, do I know or don't know?)
3. Shit
4. Okay, sure
5. We'll see
6. Get down (talking to the dogs)
7. Come on boys (also talking to the dogs)
7 celebrity crushes
1. Sean Connery
2. Nicholas Cage
3. David Letterman
4. Kevin Costner (as a baseball player)
5. Johnny Depp (as a dirty pirate)
6. John Travolta (as an angel)
7. Jimmy Smits/Denzel Washington (please don't make me choose)
7 people who need to do this
1. Everyone
2. should
3. play
4. along
5. in
6. their
7. head
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
1976
In 1976 I graduated from high school. I had just turned 18 and that summer before I left for college (my personal summer of love), I didn't have a care in the world. During the day I worked at a stable, training horses, teaching kids to ride, and getting high. At night though, we went to the disco. (Hey, don't make fun, we were really cool!) I would come home, shower, put on three different colors of eyeshadow, curl my hair into Farrah wings, don four inch platform heels and a silky, clingy, polyester number and head out the door. I drove a 1973 Dodge Charger...
like this, only copper color with a white top. (Yanno, I always had to drive, I had the cool car.) Three or four of us would go to The Lighthouse (a disco with lighted dance floor and mirrored ball, think Saturday Night Fever) in Cincinnati and stay until they kicked us out at 2:00AM. At eighteen, we were old enough to get in and drink 3.2 beer (Google it if you're under 40). Of course, there were always plenty of older guys to buy us actual liquor. We would go dancing 3 or 4 nights out of every week.
During the day, we wore tank tops (no bras, that was before gravity had effected us) and WIDE bell bottom, hip hugger jeans, while we worked and played and did I mention getting high? Personal computers, VCRs, and video games were all unknown. We did play pinball (the kind that actually had a ball) and you would nudge the machine with your hips to put a little english on the ball. There was technology, my father took me to his work to show me the computer, it was housed in a climate controlled room, bigger than my living room. It processed things at snail speed, compared to computers today. For music, we had vinyl and eight-tracks (yep, my car had an eight-track). We listened to disco, R&B, rock and roll, and folk music. Gas and cigarettes were both 50 cents. I was oblivious to the economy, the world's problems or politics (though I did know I was going to vote for Jimmy Carter in November).
We thought we were Charlie's Angels or Chrissie (Three's Company) and we were going to grow up to be Carol Brady. We were young and invincible and probably insufferable. Where are they now? Jeanine is a trophy wife (she hates it when I call her that), living in North Carolina. Laura is an engineer turned jazz musician/singer, living in Seattle. Amy is a fire-fighter turned graphic artist, living in Louisville. Kate is...hell I wish I knew where Kate was, but somewhere, she is the fiesty mother of twins (and probably a grandma now too). And me, I'm here writing this blog, fondly remembering a summer from 32 years ago.
Now let's...Play That Funky Music
like this, only copper color with a white top. (Yanno, I always had to drive, I had the cool car.) Three or four of us would go to The Lighthouse (a disco with lighted dance floor and mirrored ball, think Saturday Night Fever) in Cincinnati and stay until they kicked us out at 2:00AM. At eighteen, we were old enough to get in and drink 3.2 beer (Google it if you're under 40). Of course, there were always plenty of older guys to buy us actual liquor. We would go dancing 3 or 4 nights out of every week.
During the day, we wore tank tops (no bras, that was before gravity had effected us) and WIDE bell bottom, hip hugger jeans, while we worked and played and did I mention getting high? Personal computers, VCRs, and video games were all unknown. We did play pinball (the kind that actually had a ball) and you would nudge the machine with your hips to put a little english on the ball. There was technology, my father took me to his work to show me the computer, it was housed in a climate controlled room, bigger than my living room. It processed things at snail speed, compared to computers today. For music, we had vinyl and eight-tracks (yep, my car had an eight-track). We listened to disco, R&B, rock and roll, and folk music. Gas and cigarettes were both 50 cents. I was oblivious to the economy, the world's problems or politics (though I did know I was going to vote for Jimmy Carter in November).
We thought we were Charlie's Angels or Chrissie (Three's Company) and we were going to grow up to be Carol Brady. We were young and invincible and probably insufferable. Where are they now? Jeanine is a trophy wife (she hates it when I call her that), living in North Carolina. Laura is an engineer turned jazz musician/singer, living in Seattle. Amy is a fire-fighter turned graphic artist, living in Louisville. Kate is...hell I wish I knew where Kate was, but somewhere, she is the fiesty mother of twins (and probably a grandma now too). And me, I'm here writing this blog, fondly remembering a summer from 32 years ago.
Now let's...Play That Funky Music
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
vulnerable
I have been needing to write here. I have begun several times, only to delete what I wrote. There is so much going on inside of me. I am having trouble sorting it all out. I have been in pain for over a week, a dull, throbbing, won't go away pain. Like a toothache in my entire body. I did go to the chiropractor today, I am a bit better, but it will take a little time. Feeling this way has drained me, I am tired. It has muddled my mind, I have been in a fog, unable to clearly sort out and act on what I need to do. I have been wanting to retreat and cocoon myself from the world. I have struggled to focus, trying to peer through the fog because I know the answer is just ahead of me, out of sight.
I feel vulnerable and exposed. I feel like I am awaiting a loss, expecting bad news. This is how I felt when my father was dying. Yet, even then I was in control, I stayed strong for my mother and for my children. Now, I am not strong, I realize that being in control is an illusion. It is exhausting trying to maintain the facade.
I have been fighting the urge to believe my feelings are premonitory, though I have experienced premonitions before. I have been striving to get out and distract myself, though my tendency is to be a bit agoraphobic when I feel this way. Writing this helps, it is my way of releasing the feelings, of thinking through and processing. Acknowledging the struggle and letting it go. I am not in control, I cannot be in control. I have been releasing many things lately. Summer is over and I have not accomplished everything that I had set out to do, I am releasing myself from the guilt. I have done a lot, I will finish the rest as I have time. I have been releasing my children, pulling away from them a bit. Allowing and encouraging them to be the men that they have become. I know I cannot fix things, I cannot change the world. I can only change myself and how I interact, I am trying hard to remember that. It is hard to see people you love experience pain and disappointment. Yet it has been through my own pain and disappointment that I have grown. I need to let them have that same opportunity.
It is time to reconnect, with myself and with others. This past year, I have grown and healed. I have loved myself and loved others in a way that has been absent for a long time. I have learned to trust again. In fact, I have had a patient and exceptional person lead me through the process. I have also found, once again, that not everyone is worthy of trust. Yet, this time, I know that I was not responsible; when someone else behaves badly, it is not my fault. It is nice to relinquish some of the responsibility that was never mine to own in the first place. Perhaps being vulnerable and reflective is not such a bad place to be.
Objects in the rearview mirror are closer than they appear.
I feel vulnerable and exposed. I feel like I am awaiting a loss, expecting bad news. This is how I felt when my father was dying. Yet, even then I was in control, I stayed strong for my mother and for my children. Now, I am not strong, I realize that being in control is an illusion. It is exhausting trying to maintain the facade.
I have been fighting the urge to believe my feelings are premonitory, though I have experienced premonitions before. I have been striving to get out and distract myself, though my tendency is to be a bit agoraphobic when I feel this way. Writing this helps, it is my way of releasing the feelings, of thinking through and processing. Acknowledging the struggle and letting it go. I am not in control, I cannot be in control. I have been releasing many things lately. Summer is over and I have not accomplished everything that I had set out to do, I am releasing myself from the guilt. I have done a lot, I will finish the rest as I have time. I have been releasing my children, pulling away from them a bit. Allowing and encouraging them to be the men that they have become. I know I cannot fix things, I cannot change the world. I can only change myself and how I interact, I am trying hard to remember that. It is hard to see people you love experience pain and disappointment. Yet it has been through my own pain and disappointment that I have grown. I need to let them have that same opportunity.
It is time to reconnect, with myself and with others. This past year, I have grown and healed. I have loved myself and loved others in a way that has been absent for a long time. I have learned to trust again. In fact, I have had a patient and exceptional person lead me through the process. I have also found, once again, that not everyone is worthy of trust. Yet, this time, I know that I was not responsible; when someone else behaves badly, it is not my fault. It is nice to relinquish some of the responsibility that was never mine to own in the first place. Perhaps being vulnerable and reflective is not such a bad place to be.
Objects in the rearview mirror are closer than they appear.
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