vulnerable

I have been needing to write here. I have begun several times, only to delete what I wrote. There is so much going on inside of me. I am having trouble sorting it all out. I have been in pain for over a week, a dull, throbbing, won't go away pain. Like a toothache in my entire body. I did go to the chiropractor today, I am a bit better, but it will take a little time. Feeling this way has drained me, I am tired. It has muddled my mind, I have been in a fog, unable to clearly sort out and act on what I need to do. I have been wanting to retreat and cocoon myself from the world. I have struggled to focus, trying to peer through the fog because I know the answer is just ahead of me, out of sight.

I feel vulnerable and exposed. I feel like I am awaiting a loss, expecting bad news. This is how I felt when my father was dying. Yet, even then I was in control, I stayed strong for my mother and for my children. Now, I am not strong, I realize that being in control is an illusion. It is exhausting trying to maintain the facade.

I have been fighting the urge to believe my feelings are premonitory, though I have experienced premonitions before. I have been striving to get out and distract myself, though my tendency is to be a bit agoraphobic when I feel this way. Writing this helps, it is my way of releasing the feelings, of thinking through and processing. Acknowledging the struggle and letting it go. I am not in control, I cannot be in control. I have been releasing many things lately. Summer is over and I have not accomplished everything that I had set out to do, I am releasing myself from the guilt. I have done a lot, I will finish the rest as I have time. I have been releasing my children, pulling away from them a bit. Allowing and encouraging them to be the men that they have become. I know I cannot fix things, I cannot change the world. I can only change myself and how I interact, I am trying hard to remember that. It is hard to see people you love experience pain and disappointment. Yet it has been through my own pain and disappointment that I have grown. I need to let them have that same opportunity.

It is time to reconnect, with myself and with others. This past year, I have grown and healed. I have loved myself and loved others in a way that has been absent for a long time. I have learned to trust again. In fact, I have had a patient and exceptional person lead me through the process. I have also found, once again, that not everyone is worthy of trust. Yet, this time, I know that I was not responsible; when someone else behaves badly, it is not my fault. It is nice to relinquish some of the responsibility that was never mine to own in the first place. Perhaps being vulnerable and reflective is not such a bad place to be.

Objects in the rearview mirror are closer than they appear.