Life is not for sissies

I am still around and I really am okay. I have just been feeling quiet. I want to write, but then I have no idea what to say. I am feeling better, but a complete recovery seems to be a bit longer in coming. I will admit that I haven't been taking very good care of myself, I suppose that I thought that a little pill would just do it. This week, I have started eating better, making myself go to bed earlier, being more careful about all of my medications and also my vitamins. I can tell a difference, my body is coming around (slowly).

At work, I have caught up and taken charge of things again. Good thing too, lots of drama and conflict are going on there. It has been leaving me drained in the evenings. I am finding irritation in many things that I normally would just sweep under the rug. Perhaps there is too much already under the rug. In some ways this has been good, I tend to always fix things. Lately, I have been handing things back for people to fix for themselves. J is my saving grace, he has been an anchor to me. He gives me strength and is often a voice of reason. He has kept me from slipping too far into this funk. My mind has been clinging to him, holding my head above water. I am only now climbing back out. I long for Spring, there have been many days that have teased me, sunny warm days, I need that.

I have begun so many posts, only to decide that they were just whiny and depressing. I have a no whining rule, but today I am breaking it. I am determined not to delete another half-finished post. Sorry, I will absolutely understand if you don't finish reading. Not all is bad, I am not crying, depressed and curled up in a ball, I am just quiet, reserving my strength. I am aggravated with myself, I am not on top of things the way I want to be. I remember when my mother-in-law began developing Alzheimer's, she still had many lucid moments and she would get mad at herself. She once told me, "I never had patience for stupid people, now life is enacting its revenge and I am one." Perhaps Karma is doing the same thing to me. Except, I am still aware of the blessings that I have, many blessings. So that is what I have been doing, reserving my energy and taking stock in my blessings. Trying to embrace the changes, trying to be accepting.

Those changes are occurring all around us, yet the more things change, the more they stay the same. I know the changes have to come from within. Even more than enacting change, I must be accepting of what is. Those are my own thoughts, but here are some from Ghandi, I need to meditate on these:

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes.

And finally, from the great philosopher, David Bowie...