It's my birthday!

I really haven't dropped off the face of the earth. I have just had my ass whipped at work lately. The past few weeks I have come home exhausted and brain dead. Of course, it is also summer and my deck has been calling to me more than the computer.

Today is my birthday, I am celebrating by indulging all of my vices, eating, drinking and smoking (okay, all my vices when J is not here). I have done a little around the house today, but then I cooked myself a nice birthday dinner (accompanied by several glasses of wine). I just pulled a cake out of the oven, I will dig into that as soon as it cools. (Pineapple upside-down cake, not necessarily my favorite, but certainly the easiest when baking your own birthday cake.) J is out of the country this week, and due to an unfortunate chain of events (okay, just one unfortunate event) he has been out of the realm of communication for most of the week. Always on top of things, he sent my birthday gift prior to his trip. His birthday is soon and hopefully we will be able to celebrate both our birthdays before too long. By then, he will owe me my birthday spanking and his too.

After my silence lately, I would love to write a witty and relevant post. However, two glasses of wine renders me stupid and witless, so you get to read my pointless, self-indulgent drivel. In recapping my birthday weekend, there hasn't been much in way of celebrating, but that is not so important anymore. Last night we had severe storms and tornadoes, I probably should have taken residence in the basement, but I love storms and stood at the window watching. My son did mow the grass today, so I was happy. I also have been waiting to find out the results of Britain's Got Talent. We cannot watch it here, but I have been following Susan Boyle, along with the rest of the world. I was disappointed for about a minute, when I discovered she hadn't won. Then I saw the video of the winning dance group. All I can say is that Britain really does have talent, these guys are amazing. Here is their final performance, at least until it is no longer available (I'm sure this is probably some kind of copyright violation).



This was the final, but all of their performances were at least this good. The choreography is relevant, funny and intelligent. Their dancing is amazing. These guys are ages 12 to 25 and come from all walks of life and professions. That's enough gushing, but they really are worth a Youtube search to watch the rest of their acts.

All I really have to say is Happy Birthday to Me!!! And with that, I bid you adieu.

A little postscript edit here...since I was right and the video is no longer available, the name of the group is Diversity. You can watch their final here and their audition and semi-final here and here.

Courage

I will never understand how and why the Religious Right (who on one hand preaches love and forgiveness) feels they are justified in dictating and legislating morality and lifestyle. The tenets of Christianity are love, acceptance and forgiveness. Where are the love and acceptance here?

Love and commitment in relationships can take many forms. They are not limited by gender, race, religion, lifestyle or even a number. To deny people in loving, committed, consensual relationships the right to legalize their unions by marriage is shameful. Worse yet is to nullify already existing marriages, because they don't fit into one's idea of acceptability. People in these unacceptable relationships (whether LGBT or Poly) have already shown a greater level of commitment, courage, and problem solving than most mainstream couples. They epitomize the definition of what marriage should be. Perhaps Ken Starr and his followers should be more concerned with their own unions and the high rate of divorce among them. The prejudice and persecution of those in alternate lifestyles violates the freedoms that our country was founded on. It perpetuates falsehoods and stereotypes that breeds hatred and exclusion.

I know that this is an issue that has been going on for awhile. You may feel it is old news. Yet it continues. The battle is being played out in different states across the nation, for every step forward, there are two steps back. This is a battle that will be won, the only question is when. Whether this is being fought in your state or whether it directly effects your lifestyle, it effects us all. When the law can dictate who we love, live with, have sex with it is archaic and wrong. When people who love each other cannot care for each other, own property, provide benefits, make medical decisions, raise families it is immoral in every sense of the word. If you want to legislate morality, then let love win.

Like the song says...It breaks my heart. For more information on this issue check out the Courage Campaign.

nesting

For a few months now, I have been in a serious nesting and domestic mood (and no...I am NOT pregnant). I am not sure what the impetus for this has been and I have only been minimally acting on it, due to time and energy constraints. I have found that it is feeding into my levels of energy as well as my level of contentment, so I am going to have to make time to indulge it more.

This basic instinct and longing has been fueled by hours of time spent looking at food porn and craft and domestic sites. Most of my actions to satisfy this urge have been of a culinary nature. I do love to cook. I find that I have also been bitten by the gardening and quilting bug. My desire to dig in the dirt has been curtailed by too much rain and a lack of funds to buy seedlings and gardening supplies. I am sure it will by indulged, but on a scaled back endeavor from that of my grandiose imagination.

The quilting projects are quite another thing. What you all don't know is that I have a serious fabric fetish. Over the years, I have squirreled away an obscene amount of material, everything from yards of fabric, to fat quarters, to scraps. Many years ago, I started a Cathedral Window Quilt, which is very work intensive and a bit self-indulgent. The origin of that project has been laying dormant in my sewing box, patiently waiting for my return. My thought at this point is to make it into a lap size quilt for my granddaughter. Which means the completion of two other small quilts will be required (as to not leave out my two grandsons).

I learned to quilt from my grandmother, who mostly did applique. I have very fond memories of cutting, pinning and sewing small shapes of fabric to make beautiful pieces of art. Though my leaning has been more towards patchwork. Piecing together little scraps, that might have been otherwise discarded, in order to give them a new purpose and life. The combinations of colors and patterns seem to indulge my eclectic tastes.

Indulging in these domestic urges lately is my bliss. It also makes me feel very connected to the important and influential women in my past. I wonder if they knew how often my thoughts would turn to them in warm remembrances?

Mothers and Sons

I have been reflecting about the changes in my relationship with my sons. As we go through different stages in our lives, the parent/child relationship transitions and evolves. For almost all of my boys lives, I was a single parent. Their fathers were not ever very involved (one of them marginally and the other not at all). I would like to say that I was a model parent, a super-mom, but that would be lying. I made more than my share of mistakes, but I did try to be a constant and stable presence in their lives. I functioned as both mother and father. I made sure they had male role models and mentors. I was involved in their activities, we did family things constantly, I encouraged them and stood up for them. We had wonderful times and we had turbulent times. I always did the best that I could at the time.

Single parents get a bad rap. Whether someone makes a choice to parent on their own, or they are thrown into that role unexpectedly, it is not easy to fill two pairs of shoes. Parents may be pros at playing the guilt card, but parenting comes with its own heaping of guilt. It is filled with what if's and second guesses. As a single mother, I shouldered plenty of guilt. Guilt over their fathers (if I had chosen differently, they might have been present), guilt over working too much, guilt over being too strict or too lenient. My shoulders sagged from the guilt that I carried. I finally reached a point where enough was enough. I couldn't go back and change things, I didn't choose the circumstances, all I could do was accept and move on.

I always thought that as the boys grew up and pulled away, I would be the one to have trouble letting go. I will admit that the sense of responsibility for them is hard to overcome. I have always tried to be supportive and available. I now wonder if I have been too supportive and available. They are both now adults, but they don't always act like it. It is not as if they are under my roof and will not leave. My youngest son (age 21) does still live here, but he holds a job, has his own friends, and is rarely here. It just seems that when things become difficult for them, they call on me (before they have really tried to figure it out on their own). Lately, I have been telling them both just that. I have been closing that door (slowly), but I am about ready to change the figurative locks.

Don't get me wrong, I would lay down my life for my children. I would never let them do without the necessities. I don't want them to be homeless or starving, I just want them to be adults. Normally, my sons are loving, considerate and helpful. I do at times ask them to do things for me and they usually comply. There are times though, that they ask me for things (maybe money, my time, a task) which they know will require a sacrifice for me. I used to do everything within my power to fill the request. Lately, the answer has been no, more than it has been yes. I am not sure why they think that I (in my 50's) am more capable of doing certain things than they (in their 20's) are.

I am wondering if we all tend to take our parents for granted. I suppose that it depends greatly on the relationship that we had/have with them. I know I took my parents for granted at times, but I don't really remember a request I made of them (as an adult) that required a major sacrifice on their parts. In fact, my mother has never had a problem saying no, even when it didn't require a sacrifice. I wish saying no, came a little more easy (as it has always seemed to from their fathers). Well, practice makes perfect and I'm getting more and more practice. At least I manage to give a yes or a no with no strings attached to it. I do fight the urge to manipulate the situation into something more acceptable to me, because that that would benefit no one in the long run. I do wonder if this all is as difficult for them as it is for me?



I used to think this was a song about a couple, but maybe it is about a far too dependent child. God...I hope that I'm dead by the time they're 64!