Mothers and Sons

I have been reflecting about the changes in my relationship with my sons. As we go through different stages in our lives, the parent/child relationship transitions and evolves. For almost all of my boys lives, I was a single parent. Their fathers were not ever very involved (one of them marginally and the other not at all). I would like to say that I was a model parent, a super-mom, but that would be lying. I made more than my share of mistakes, but I did try to be a constant and stable presence in their lives. I functioned as both mother and father. I made sure they had male role models and mentors. I was involved in their activities, we did family things constantly, I encouraged them and stood up for them. We had wonderful times and we had turbulent times. I always did the best that I could at the time.

Single parents get a bad rap. Whether someone makes a choice to parent on their own, or they are thrown into that role unexpectedly, it is not easy to fill two pairs of shoes. Parents may be pros at playing the guilt card, but parenting comes with its own heaping of guilt. It is filled with what if's and second guesses. As a single mother, I shouldered plenty of guilt. Guilt over their fathers (if I had chosen differently, they might have been present), guilt over working too much, guilt over being too strict or too lenient. My shoulders sagged from the guilt that I carried. I finally reached a point where enough was enough. I couldn't go back and change things, I didn't choose the circumstances, all I could do was accept and move on.

I always thought that as the boys grew up and pulled away, I would be the one to have trouble letting go. I will admit that the sense of responsibility for them is hard to overcome. I have always tried to be supportive and available. I now wonder if I have been too supportive and available. They are both now adults, but they don't always act like it. It is not as if they are under my roof and will not leave. My youngest son (age 21) does still live here, but he holds a job, has his own friends, and is rarely here. It just seems that when things become difficult for them, they call on me (before they have really tried to figure it out on their own). Lately, I have been telling them both just that. I have been closing that door (slowly), but I am about ready to change the figurative locks.

Don't get me wrong, I would lay down my life for my children. I would never let them do without the necessities. I don't want them to be homeless or starving, I just want them to be adults. Normally, my sons are loving, considerate and helpful. I do at times ask them to do things for me and they usually comply. There are times though, that they ask me for things (maybe money, my time, a task) which they know will require a sacrifice for me. I used to do everything within my power to fill the request. Lately, the answer has been no, more than it has been yes. I am not sure why they think that I (in my 50's) am more capable of doing certain things than they (in their 20's) are.

I am wondering if we all tend to take our parents for granted. I suppose that it depends greatly on the relationship that we had/have with them. I know I took my parents for granted at times, but I don't really remember a request I made of them (as an adult) that required a major sacrifice on their parts. In fact, my mother has never had a problem saying no, even when it didn't require a sacrifice. I wish saying no, came a little more easy (as it has always seemed to from their fathers). Well, practice makes perfect and I'm getting more and more practice. At least I manage to give a yes or a no with no strings attached to it. I do fight the urge to manipulate the situation into something more acceptable to me, because that that would benefit no one in the long run. I do wonder if this all is as difficult for them as it is for me?



I used to think this was a song about a couple, but maybe it is about a far too dependent child. God...I hope that I'm dead by the time they're 64!