Postscript

The last chapter of this story occurred last night when J came to visit me. He came bearing gifts. He brought me a new coffee maker, for no reason other than I needed it. He also told me he bought it before he read my post here. He said that he didn't want me to think he was presumptuous or trying to replace what I had (i.e. a gift from my father).

I am thrilled! His loving thoughtfulness brought tears to my eyes. I do not think he is at all presumptuous, I think he is thoughtful and generous. It has made me reflect how three of the most important men in my life all have blessed me and gifted me with the same appliance. (Is it that obvious I love my coffee?) On three different occasions, a gift of a coffee maker has touched me and pleased me more than perfume, jewelry or any other gift that is supposed to be so perfect for a woman. I am a practical girl, give me a practical, useful gift over a romantic one any day. (Well most days, J does spoil me with flowers from time to time and I love flowers!)

The act of making coffee has never meant so much. I will now think how lucky, and absolutely blessed, I am to be thought of, cared for and loved by so many wonderful men. Each of them in a different role in my life, but each of them equally important and cherished.

My father, my son

My coffee maker died this week. It had been taking longer and longer to brew a pot of coffee, making all kinds of noises. It was pretty old, I used it a lot. I knew it was on its last legs. I know it is rather silly to have an attachment to an appliance, but I am a little sad.

You see, it was a gift from my father. It was probably the best material gift he ever gave to me. My father was an engineer, that might not mean much to most of you. To me that meant he was practical and rather clueless at times. He never knew what would be a good gift for someone. When I was still living in my parent's home, I usually helped him choose gifts for my mother. After years of marriage, he still never knew what she liked or might need. He was a generous man, he did not skimp on money or time spent on a gift. He just didn't know.

When he bought the coffee maker for me, I was a single mom, working two jobs. I had a coffee maker that worked perfectly well. He bought it anyway and told me he got it because it had a timer. He said I could set the timer and coffee would be ready when I got up. At the time I thought I would have rather had something I really needed. But after using it for awhile, I appreciated the feature and the thought. That coffee maker lasted over ten years, I used it almost everyday. It made me think of my father every time I used it.

A few Christmases ago, my son bought me a coffee maker. It was a two cup (large travel mug type cups) coffee maker. It dispenses into the accompanying cups. Again, I already had a functioning coffee maker. He told me that he thought it was better, because I could make two cups, one to drink as I was getting ready for work, and one to take with me. At first I didn't use it much, but I have been using it more and more. It doesn't have a timer, but it brews quickly and makes good coffee. I appreciate it and his thoughtfulness.

This week, when I was a bit sad that my coffee maker broke, I thought about the similarities between my son and my father. My son, like his grandfather, is a hard worker, he is compassionate and empathetic. He is hard on himself and expects a lot from himself and other people. They both love dogs and hate to see anyone hurting or down on their luck. They were always close, my son and my father. My father doted on him and my son returned the affection. The other grandchildren in the family (including my other son) did not appreciate their grandfather. They found him to be judgmental and a bit socially inept. He was those things, but he was much more. My youngest son found acceptance, love and a strong male figure in him. He went out of his way to thank him and please him. He enjoyed doing things with and for his grandfather. Their relationship made the other grandchildren jealous. They did not understand his favored status, but they also did not want to spend time with their grandfather. I knew, in part, that my father was trying to fill a void that was left by R's father. I also knew he enjoyed the time they spent.

I will still think of my father when I make coffee. I will think of my father and my son and the special relationship they shared. I will think about their thoughtfulness in the wonderful gifts they gave me, both the coffee makers and the non-material things I have received from them.

Updates and reflections

Ryan, my friend's son, is recovering. He is home, but still cannot walk due injuries to his ankles. Those will heal, but the real damage is probably done to his psyche. He has faced the reality that life can change in an instant. That our actions and decisions can forever haunt us. He will live with the death of his cousin (and best friend) for the rest of his life. I am praying that he finds solace and gratitude in the fact that he was not also killed. I am praying that he find the strength to embrace the second chance that he was given.

The incident has given me pause, it has made me grateful for my own sons, for their health and safety. For their continued chances to get things in their life right. They are adults, but they are often unthinking and irresponsible. They are also often loving and thoughtful. I am thankful that I can be both the recipient of their callousness and their love. I am thankful for each minute I have with them.

As a parent and as a child, I have often made mistakes and have seen the effects of my actions on those that I love. I hope I have learned from the mistakes I have made. Often my learning has been tinged with guilt of not making the right decision. I have wasted a lot of time in regret. I am now learning to let go of regret and move on. Each day is a new opportunity, a new chance to do things right. Our focus should be on the present and future, not on the past. I appreciate my past, both the good and the bad. It has made me who I am today, but it doesn't define who I can be. I can be whoever and however I want. I can do all that I dream of doing.

Sometimes I have been to critical of others' mistakes. I have been short-sighted to the opportunities they still have. My boys can still realize their dreams, they can still be the men they want to be. They still have many chances to do things right. I can't fix their mistakes, nor can I offer them opportunities. I can still offer them advice, but I try to limit that to when I am asked. I can love them and believe in them and cheer them on. I can do that for myself as well. I am grateful for each day I have that opportunity.

Gratefulness

It seems I am only writing here anymore when I am rather melancholy. But writing is a bit of a catharsis for me, so be it.

Last night, one of my friend's sons was in a car wreck. He is in critical condition on a ventilator now. He is 22 years old, the same age as my youngest son. In fact the two of them used to compete in baseball. Ryan survived a tour in Iraq and returned home to his family and now his life is dangling. His cousin was also in the car, he is dead at the age of 21.

I cannot imagine what these mothers are going through right now. Except, I think that I can, this is every mother's fear and worry. We all have imagined it at one time or another. It is a reality that we sometimes forget. We forget when we get frustrated, or disappointed, or angry. We forget when everything is going well. Tonight, I am saddened, subdued and hurting for a friend. I am also grateful for my own sons. I am thankful that they are well and can be here to frustrate me, test me, anger me and love me. I am grateful for every single moment of stress and worry and frustration they have ever caused me. For if something ever happened to them, I would give everything I have to get one of those moments back.

Tonight, I am very grateful, for so many things.