Requiem

I am mourning the loss of my expectations. Expectations of myself, of others and of life. I have struggled to get through the week, I wanted to ditch work and spend the day in bed. I am a mix of emotions, most of them negative. I am still pulling most of the work load, because my co-worker is a fucking waste of oxygen. Conflict has been brewing among the clients in my group, things came to a head on Tuesday when two of them got in a fist fight. I got to break up the fight, while my co-worker was around the corner on his phone. Before I make it sound too terrible, I did not have to physically intervene. I yelled, loudly, as I was running to break it up and they backed off. The week at work just seemed to deteriorate after that.

My son and I have been arguing more. Okay not really arguing, but there has been tension and comments. We are both stressed, he is now working and going to school (gee, welcome to my world) and I am just in a funk. I have tried to talk to him about things, but we are both taking everything personally.

I have not been on top of things like I usually am. I forgot about one of the bills and now I don't have quite enough money to pay it. I forgot to get my prescription refilled and now I am out of it for the weekend. I normally thrive on being busy and can multi-task pretty well, lately I have been resentful over it.

I have not been reading all of the blogs that I usually do. Anni commented back to me, that sometimes, it makes her feel vulnerable, I realized that it makes me feel the same way. I also have not been writing as much, for the same reason. I couple of bloggers I read have made the decision to stop blogging, another one (who had a terminal illness) has died. Though, I have never personally met these people, it made me incredibly sad to lose them. I have been trying to work through these emotions, without wallowing in them. Feelings of sadness, loss and inadequacy make us human and help us grow. Maybe I am experiencing growing pains.

The whole incident at work has caused me to think. I am good at my job. I have worked in my field for over fifteen years. I have worked in behavioral units for the past nine years. I am trained to deal with aggressive and violent behaviors. I requested to work in this particular unit. I am not afraid to intervene when I need to. All of that aside, this latest incident shook me up. It was not so horrible, certainly not the worst I have dealt with, but for a split second, I hesitated. That may not seem like a big deal, but it is. My hesitation could cause someone to get seriously hurt.

I have been replaying it all week in my head. I know why I hesitated. I have always trusted the other staff to back me up, but now I don't. Our unit is more isolated and partially locked, additional help is not easily accessible. I am also not as physically strong as I used to be. I am not sure that I could restrain one of these guys by myself. My confidence is a little bit shaken. Yes, I have beaten myself up over this. My supervisor has commended me for how I dealt with the fight, she has acknowledged the serious problems with my co-worker, she has verbally addressed things with him and she has told me that I am (we are) stuck with him.

I have been feeling stuck with a lot of things. I know this is a misconception. I am not stuck, some things have just changed. To live is to be in a state of flux. Life is an amalgamation of our experiences, up to and including death. I may not like feeling vulnerable, but I am, we all are. I am not more vulnerable lately, I am just more aware of it. Much of what happens in life is outside of the scope of my control, I have to accept that and deal with it. The funny thing is, that is one of the pearls of wisdom, that I try to impart to my clients (and my children), everyday. Yet, I am still learning it. I don't think that this particular lesson is one we can master, it is a continuous process.

To mourn, we have to acknowledge a loss, express a regret. It means that we had something valuable in our lives to lose. It means that we were blessed with sometimg important and valuable to begin with. We may view those gifts as transitory, but each one of them touched us and changed us in some way. Even if we have lost them, we are better for having had them. We will be better still, if we have learned something from their loss.