Just another Monday night

Work was really great today. We were busy enough to keep the guys occupied, but not too busy to be able to sit down and have a little fun. I had forgotten what it was like to have a co-worker who actually carries some of the workload. I was able to finish up December's paperwork (yes, I know it is January 12th) and to ship some of the contract work the guys have done.

Since being home for two weeks and then returning to working full days, the dogs will not leave my side when I get home. Wherever I am, they are right there at my feet (or under them). This evening was no different, while I was cooking dinner, I had to constantly watch, so not to trip over them. Tonight was clean out the refrigerator night. That means that I do a quick scan of everything that needs to be used or pitched and make something out of it. Sort of a skillet dinner ala Alice. It usually turns out quite tasty, the downside is that it is a one-time meal. I will never fix it exactly the same way again (though, that is sort of true, even for recipes). Dinner was a spicy Mexican number. It was going to be Italian, until the fresh basil was not so fresh and I decided to use cilantro and sour cream instead. About 20 minutes from fridge to table. I am amazed by the number of people who rely on take out or boxed dinners to feed their families. I certainly could not afford carry-out very often and I hate those dinner kits that come in a box. Everything they include, I usually have in my kitchen (only fresher, without being processed and preserved).

If I had a digital camera, I would absolutely have a cooking blog. Because, what I need is another blog to have to post on.

Welcome to 2009

We are now more than one week into the new year. I have worked a full week in 2009, after being off for the last two weeks of 2008. It seems that much has happened and the year is barely begun. Upon returning to work last week, I was told by my supervisor that I am never allowed to take a day off again. Yes, she was kidding, sort of. My worthless, piece of shit co-worker is permanently out of my group (and will probably be terminated). I will not go into details of what happened, but it was a series of things (one of them being pretty serious). Now, considering the terms of endearment that I have used referring to him, one would think that I would be happy, but I am not. It is not that I miss working with him, it isn't even that I feel he shouldn't lose his job, I just hate to see anyone lose their job, especially in this economy. I parade around like a hard hearted bitch, but underneath that hard candy shell, I melt in your hands. Oh, sorry that is M&Ms, but anyway, I am a big softy when it comes down to it. I am just glad that I was not around to be caught in the fall-out.

I am feeling pretty good today, but the past week I have been exhausted. I could blame all sorts of things, staying up late, returning to work, and all of them probably contributed. The real reason is that I ran out of my medication (for nine days). Whoops. I have no thyroid, none at all, which means my metabolism is contained in, and regulated by, a little tiny pill that I take everyday (except for the past nine days). This predicament was not entirely my fault. I was out of refills, so I had to contact my doctor's office, which was closed on New Year's Day. The next day I forgot to call and then they were closed again for the weekend. Then, the pharmacy lost my refill request, not once, but twice (or at least their automated phone system did). So about half those days were my fault, the other half, not so much. I will just say that by Friday, my body was telling me that if I didn't medicate it tout de suite (or toot sweet, if your a Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang fan) it would not rise out of bed another day. Lucky for me, I got my pills that afternoon. I hate when my body gives me an ultimatum.

It was also on Friday when my friend Bonnie (and my ride to work) mentioned that we should join the gym and begin stopping on the way home from work. This is not an appealing prospect to someone who has NO metabolism, but I may tell her yes, tomorrow. I used to belong to a gym, I looked better, felt better (of course, I was much younger then too), but now I am lazy. I don't like to exercise. I hate to sweat for anything other than sex. I do know the benefits will outweigh the hassles, so maybe. The other reason that I should join the gym, is my new vice. Cooking blogs! I love to cook, but I don't so much anymore, because it is usually just me home for dinner. However, on my vacation more people were around, and even when they weren't I had more time, so I cooked. I tried new recipes, made old recipes, made stuff up. Then I ate it. As if Thanksgiving and Christmas weren't bad enough, I ate my way right up to the new year. The damage is somewhere between 7 and 10 pounds. I would be more accurate, but being off my medication has caused me to retain water (even more than just being a woman) and my weight has been fluctuating. That might not sound terrible (yes, it really does), but that is a pants size and now all of mine are tight. So, as tempting as it was to just spend the entire week in sweat pants, I did eat better and made myself move (which is what I call exercise, since I hate exercise).

Below is my tribe of wild indians. Certainly chasing them around will take some weight off. Forgive the slightly out of focus pictures. They are taken with my webcam (not the best to begin with and I am still getting the hang of it).



I hope you all are off to a fine start in 2009. Thank you for listening to me ramble and whine through an entire post.

Wintry mix

In these days, as the rest of the country has been slammed and immobilized by mounds of snow and ice, our temperature soared into the fifties. The forecast had predicted a wintry mix, that's forecaster talk for ,"we have no idea, so expect anything." Of course, I had just mopped the floor again, so that clinched it for rain. Mopping my floor is akin to washing your car, it is a simple act that can amass rain clouds quicker than anything.

My house has gone to the dogs again, mud, dirt and dog hair have settled on everything. The furniture cushions are torn and chewed. Dakota's babies lie all over the floor, muddy and eyeless. Tucker has no interest in toys, other than to steal them away and try and rip off their heads, while Dakota stands by in a state of anxiety, afraid to take them back. (No matter that Dakota is 100 pounds and Tucker is 40 pounds, they both know who is boss.) My job as the dog mommy is to mediate the sibling rivalry and to keep Tucker's alpha nature in check, by asserting myself over all of them. Their jobs, as my four legged children, are to be cute and loving and to keep reminding me why I have sacrificed money and cleanliness for living in a kennel. They are much better at their jobs than I am.

Christmas is in less than a week and I am sadly unprepared. I do however, have the next two weeks off, at this point I am hoping to be more productive than lazy. Friday, at work, we had a Christmas party for our group. Though I have tried to keep a professional detachment with our guys, I recognize the fact, that for a couple of them, Christmas is a sad and lonely time. At least two of them will spend Christmas in their group home, with no family interaction and few presents. This is a fact that may prompt a home visit from me, with presents that I really can't afford.

I often wonder if they will win the battle. Their issues and offenses will always follow them. They live with the stigma and the labels that overshadow their talents and intelligence. Even within the professional agency I work for, they are viewed as undeserving, unsalvageable. They know they are pariahs, outcasts. As much as I shouldn't, I take it personally. Their battle has become my battle, their successes are my successes, their failures are mine as well. When they ask me why I am hard on them, why I ride their asses? I tell them it is because I know what they are capable of, I know they can do better. I want to say, "Because I fight for you, I stand up to your team and put myself on the line. I push to get you opportunities, privileges, work, inclusion." I may be their biggest critic, but I am also their biggest fan. Working with them is a lot like being a dog mommy, I manage the pack, I recognize the pecking order and I assert myself as the alpha. The forecast for their lives is a wintry mix. For some of them, the sun will eventually shine, but some of them will never escape the storm.

Have a Nice Day

This post is for J. I know how difficult work has been for him. I wanted to communicate how much I completely understand that (and hopefully make him smile).

Perhaps a different management style might benefit your employees.

If business doesn't improve, there will always be other opportunities.

Remember...sometimes telling someone to fuck off, may prompt them to come up with their own answer.

Eventually, things will get better (or you will die).

The next time you are in an unproductive meeting, which is taking your valuable time away from real work, think of this truth and smile.

Images are from Despair.com.

Requiem

I am mourning the loss of my expectations. Expectations of myself, of others and of life. I have struggled to get through the week, I wanted to ditch work and spend the day in bed. I am a mix of emotions, most of them negative. I am still pulling most of the work load, because my co-worker is a fucking waste of oxygen. Conflict has been brewing among the clients in my group, things came to a head on Tuesday when two of them got in a fist fight. I got to break up the fight, while my co-worker was around the corner on his phone. Before I make it sound too terrible, I did not have to physically intervene. I yelled, loudly, as I was running to break it up and they backed off. The week at work just seemed to deteriorate after that.

My son and I have been arguing more. Okay not really arguing, but there has been tension and comments. We are both stressed, he is now working and going to school (gee, welcome to my world) and I am just in a funk. I have tried to talk to him about things, but we are both taking everything personally.

I have not been on top of things like I usually am. I forgot about one of the bills and now I don't have quite enough money to pay it. I forgot to get my prescription refilled and now I am out of it for the weekend. I normally thrive on being busy and can multi-task pretty well, lately I have been resentful over it.

I have not been reading all of the blogs that I usually do. Anni commented back to me, that sometimes, it makes her feel vulnerable, I realized that it makes me feel the same way. I also have not been writing as much, for the same reason. I couple of bloggers I read have made the decision to stop blogging, another one (who had a terminal illness) has died. Though, I have never personally met these people, it made me incredibly sad to lose them. I have been trying to work through these emotions, without wallowing in them. Feelings of sadness, loss and inadequacy make us human and help us grow. Maybe I am experiencing growing pains.

The whole incident at work has caused me to think. I am good at my job. I have worked in my field for over fifteen years. I have worked in behavioral units for the past nine years. I am trained to deal with aggressive and violent behaviors. I requested to work in this particular unit. I am not afraid to intervene when I need to. All of that aside, this latest incident shook me up. It was not so horrible, certainly not the worst I have dealt with, but for a split second, I hesitated. That may not seem like a big deal, but it is. My hesitation could cause someone to get seriously hurt.

I have been replaying it all week in my head. I know why I hesitated. I have always trusted the other staff to back me up, but now I don't. Our unit is more isolated and partially locked, additional help is not easily accessible. I am also not as physically strong as I used to be. I am not sure that I could restrain one of these guys by myself. My confidence is a little bit shaken. Yes, I have beaten myself up over this. My supervisor has commended me for how I dealt with the fight, she has acknowledged the serious problems with my co-worker, she has verbally addressed things with him and she has told me that I am (we are) stuck with him.

I have been feeling stuck with a lot of things. I know this is a misconception. I am not stuck, some things have just changed. To live is to be in a state of flux. Life is an amalgamation of our experiences, up to and including death. I may not like feeling vulnerable, but I am, we all are. I am not more vulnerable lately, I am just more aware of it. Much of what happens in life is outside of the scope of my control, I have to accept that and deal with it. The funny thing is, that is one of the pearls of wisdom, that I try to impart to my clients (and my children), everyday. Yet, I am still learning it. I don't think that this particular lesson is one we can master, it is a continuous process.

To mourn, we have to acknowledge a loss, express a regret. It means that we had something valuable in our lives to lose. It means that we were blessed with sometimg important and valuable to begin with. We may view those gifts as transitory, but each one of them touched us and changed us in some way. Even if we have lost them, we are better for having had them. We will be better still, if we have learned something from their loss.

All I Really Want...

~All I really want is some patience, a way to calm the angry voice.
Alanis Morrisette





Life is unpredictable, I have come to expect the unexpected. I am pretty good about rolling with the punches and implementing Plan B, but there are times when I really wanted Plan A. I have decided that my co-worker isn't getting any better, I am just dealing with the situation better. Work stresses have been a little more wearing lately. Yesterday, I was at another site, working one-on-one with a different client. My day was actually pleasant, until the last half hour with him. He displayed some huge behavioral issues before going home. It did work to my advantage though, when I returned to the office, I found that my being gone had emphasized my co-worker's incompetence. The program supervisor apologized to me, saying "I had no idea how really bad he is." Of course that doesn't mean that I will be rid of him, just that things may be watched more closely.

My son's girlfriend may be moving in with us, while they save money to get a place of their own. They both work and attend school, so I don't expect to see much of them, but it is an adjustment. I have been seeing him struggle to pull away and become more independent. I do recognize that as the cause of most of our conflicts (nothing big, just occasional quarrels). It is sometimes difficult for both of us to let go.

Last night I was exhausted, in addition to the day leaving me wrung out, I did not feel well. I do feel better this morning, but I am still tired and subdued. Today is a beautiful day though, it is sunny and cool and the leaves are changing. This is my favorite time of year, despite the ongoing problem of the dogs tracking in leaves and mud. As much work and aggravation as they can cause me, I love them. I don't think there is a creature on earth that can exude so much excitement and unconditional love as a dog. Everyday, when I arrive after work, I see three happy faces and three wagging tails in the window. Unlike the morning (trying to get out the door without being covered in hair or pawprints), the evening is full of big dog hugs and kisses. They can cheer me up no matter what mood I am in. I hope someday, that I live up to their (seemingly) unblemished perception of me.







My gratitude has been abundant today. I smiled as I woke up thinking of J. Remembering the last time he was here and sleeping in his arms. I smiled at being greeted by the dogs, outside of my bedroom door. In the kitchen, I smiled at the smell of coffee and my grandchildren's artwork on my refrigerator. I smiled at the sunshine and the crisp fall air, when I took the dogs outside. I am grateful for all of those things. They reflect my blessings. I am blessed by a wonderful relationship, I am blessed by my family and my home. I am blessed with health and a rich, fulfilling life. I am blessed with a job (that I mostly like) and the income that it earns. I am blessed to live in a country where I wake up hearing birds, not bombs. Where I have more food in my kitchen, then some places have in an entire village. Where I have clean, safe water at the turn of a handle. Where medical care is only a phone call away. Where my main concerns are bills, politics, and home improvement, rather than my next meal, if my children/grandchildren will survive the next year, and if my home will be bombed.

What are you grateful for today?