Christmas eating tips

This is from an e-mail I received. This little gem has been circulating for awhile, I seem to remember it from last year. Good advice in any case, after all, aren't excess and gluttony what the holidays are all about?



Christmas Eating Tips.....

Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano.
As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat, have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have SOME standards.

One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

squirrel saga

The weather here has been a persistent, cold rain. I heard it hitting the window when the dogs woke me up this morning. I had slept later than usual and they were frantic to go outside. After letting them out, I realized that they weren't frantic to pee, they were frantic to chase squirrels. Apparently, they had been watching a squirrel invasion of our yard through the window.

My dogs have never encountered any other evilness the likes of these squirrels. When it comes to chasing squirrels, my dogs do not have enough sense to come in out of the rain. Seriously, all three of them, jumping around the base of a tree, in pouring down rain, for 45 minutes. Even bribes of leftover turkey would not dissuade them from their post. I am ever so glad that I thoroughly mopped the kitchen floor yesterday. Otherwise, the muddy paw prints would not have been nearly so prominent. Rosco is definitely the worst of the squirrel nazis. He will spend hours hunting and guarding against squirrels. Just try to imagine, if you will, how much muddy rainwater this fuzzball can soak up. Normally attentive and obedient, he will not even acknowledge my presence when squirrels are afoot.

I like to think of myself as a lover of wildlife, and in one regard, that is true. I enjoy the flora and fauna of the outdoors. I love camping and hiking and generally communing with nature. However, my opinion of squirrels is pretty low. They are rodents. I used to think they were cute, but I realize that they are little more than rats who know how to accessorize. Take away that fluffy tail and you have a rat. In my neck of the woods (the suburbs) they are rampant. Add in the teasing and aggravating of my dogs and I wish for a squirrel free zone.

For when it comes to squirrels, my dogs have nothing on Dog the Bounty Hunter. Perhaps they have seen this on the post office wall.

It does not matter that they are outsmarted daily by the squirrels. They are sure that it is just a matter of time and luck until they apprehend their prey. I only hope that they would be as protective in the case of a real intruder, but I have my doubts. Unless said intruder happened to look like this...

Maybe squirrel accessorizing is really catching on.

Have a Nice Day

This post is for J. I know how difficult work has been for him. I wanted to communicate how much I completely understand that (and hopefully make him smile).

Perhaps a different management style might benefit your employees.

If business doesn't improve, there will always be other opportunities.

Remember...sometimes telling someone to fuck off, may prompt them to come up with their own answer.

Eventually, things will get better (or you will die).

The next time you are in an unproductive meeting, which is taking your valuable time away from real work, think of this truth and smile.

Images are from Despair.com.