Empty

I have been feeling empty for the past couple of days. Life has drained me, my energy has been sucked out of me by everyday annoyances. I know that much of this is hormonal, the rest is stress. I am tired, I have too much to do. In most situations, with most people, I am a private person. I listen to friends and coworkers vent and complain. I am usually sympathetic, or at least feign concern and interest, but lately, I am resentful. I want to tell them that everyone has problems, just suck it up and do what you need to do. I am not very tolerant of whining, I never have been. Today, I am not very tolerant of me, I feel whiny. I hate feeling this way, I do not like myself at the moment. I know that this will pass in a day or two, I hope that I snap out of it before my general uneasiness turns into outright self-loathing.

Life is not all doom and gloom. There are many things that have made me happy in the past few days. Hearing from an old friend, hugging my grandchildren and seeing their smiles, hearing his voice and knowing that he is thinking of me, listening to calm and soulful music, big dog hugs and kisses. Hopefulness reigns supreme. But that shadow of restlessness has been stalking me, lurking right around the corner. I admit, I can be hard and judgmental, I have standards that I want people to adhere to. Lately, I have fallen short of my own standards. I am a tired and cranky child, badly in need of a spanking or a nap, or both.

Despite my cynicism, I have tried to be a giving, responsible person. Over the years, I have tried to set an example for my children, I have tried to help my friends, I have tried to do the right things. I believe that karma is the great equalizer, I am waiting for some of that karma to return. I just hope that what returns is the karma from my past and not the karma from the past few days. I have been negotiating with God (or the universe, or whatever you believe in). I have been asking for a reprieve, I have been questioning, I have expressed some anger. I have also been thankful. I acknowledge my blessings, I know I am fortunate, I realize how much worse things could be.

For now, I will wait for my mood to change. I will keep moving forward, I will deal with it. I will try to focus on the sweetness, the love and the acceptance that I have in my life. I will concentrate on him, on my grandchildren, on the dogs. I will try to quit whining.