I am a single mom. I divorced my son's father when he was a baby. My ex has a lot of issues, not the least of these is a history of drug abuse. He was never a part of my son's life, that was his choice not mine. I few years ago, my son decided he wanted to pursue a relationship with his father. He was almost an adult and he stated that he didn't want to go through life not knowing his father at all. He also told me, "People change, Mom." I understood and supported his decision, but it broke my heart. I did not want him to open himself up to the possibility of being hurt by his father. Of course I knew that had already happened, simply due to his father's absence in his life. I also did not want to have to have any contact with his father (there had been abuse issues in our marriage). My son has made a good attempt at things. The relationship between them has been shaky and tenuous. I have survived the few brief contacts with my ex that have occurred.
My son has a cell phone, so I have not always been aware of the number of times they have talked. This direct line to my son has also spared me from having to talk to my ex. Yesterday, my son came to me and asked to change his cell phone number. He told me that his father has been calling several times a day to ask him for money. When he has refused, his father has, at times, been verbally abusive. It broke my heart knowing that, yes, he had finally gotten to know his father. And he has realized that his father is not worth knowing. I used to hope, that someday, my son would understand my decision to divorce. That by knowing his father's true nature, he could protect himself from being used. I now wish that he had never found out how his father could be. I wish I could still be the fall guy for the divorce. It was easier to take the blame than it is to see him be hurt.
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2 comments:
I am so sorry for his pain.
I have walked in your son's shoes. I am glad of the contact I had with my father. It eliminated the wondering and instilled instead a gratitude that I didn't grow up with him.
It also taught me that there are some really nutty people in the world and that I have the choice and those I love have actually made the choice not to let them effect me. It taught me that happiness and good behavior are a choice and an action. Until those moments with my father, I didn't fully appreciate this...and so I didn't fully access that wisdom and make it real in my life.
Your son now has these same options. When the hurt has passed, he'll be looking around at his life and come some similar conclusions. Shielding him from this would have been to rob him of an important catalyst for maturity.
You cannot shield him from the hurts of life...in fact to do so is to hurt him far more. What you could do is to help him meet and create a place in his life for men wonderful, accomplished, mature men he can look up to.
Hang in there...((hugs))
Shannee,
Thank you for your insight. I know I can't shield and protect him forever, but even at age 20, he still is my baby. Though he absolutely hates it when I say that. When he hurts, I hurt.
I do not think he regrets the contact he has had with his father. He is now just wanting more control of the situation. I am thankful he has not given into his father's demands.
He does have men in his life that have been mentors and teachers. He has overcome a lot of personal demons and has grown up to be a responsible and caring man. I am proud of him. I trust him to handle this maturely. I know he will grow and learn from this, but I am and will always be his mother. I can't help wanting to protect "my cubs."
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