Apparently, today's date is considered lucky, due to the number eight and the symmetry of the number. Along with the start of the Olympics, there were myriads of marriages starting as well. I am not sure how I feel about lucky numbers. It certainly would be an easy anniversary date to remember, that could be lucky for the grooms and fortuitous for the brides (never having to remind their husbands of the date). I did have a pretty good day today, but nothing that I would consider lucky. I wish all of the happy couples well, they are certainly going to need it. I am not trying to be cynical about marriage, but with today's high rates of divorce, a successful marriage can be very elusive.
I have been married (and divorced) twice. I am ambivalent about marriage. I have known people with seemingly successful marriages, but success is more than longevity. Within the confines of a marriage, no one but the individuals can be sure of the happiness and satisfaction involved. My parents were married for 57 years when my father died, their marriage would appear to have been successful and it was. I know they loved each other deeply, but I also remember some tough times over the years. Perseverance is the key, but that does not translate into happiness either. A decision of whether to stay in a marriage or end it is difficult, it is also compounded by things like shared property, finances, children and extended family.
I am not speaking against marriage, thirty years ago I wanted very much to be married. Now, I cannot imagine doing that again. I would not want to make an absolute statement. Such as, "I never will get married again." Statements containing always and never seem to be hard to back up. I just don't anticipate ever marrying again. I feel that a relationship is based on commitment and work, not on a certificate or ceremony. Yes, that certificate, along with the legalities, makes it harder to just walk away, but it doesn't guarantee anything.
I think that in some ways, the idea of marriage is outdated. Certainly when it is defined as one man and one woman together forever. I understand why the gay community is fighting for marriage rights. I support this, they should not be denied the right to form legal unions. They should be afforded the legal rights and protections that it brings. I do not really believe that our species is hard-wired for monogamy. I believe that many people are monogamous, and probably very happily so. Yet, we all have a wide spectrum of emotional and physical needs, many of those needs happen in the context of relationships (sex, companionship, support, affirmation). It is hard for one person to meet all of those needs. Many times, marriage sets that expectation. The difficulty is compounded by the fact that we all change and evolve. No one is the same at 20 as they are at 70. Someone who shares our views, goals, and interests at 20, may be totally opposite later in life. Why is it not considered successful when dedication and commitment exist, but some of the needs are met outside of the marriage?
I do not have any real answers. I think that everyone needs to figure it out on their own. I also think that society needs to stay out of other people's relationships. It is not up to the press, the public, or the religious right to judge and dictate what others can and will do. I was reading about John Edwards' confession today. I was saddened for both him and his wife. Maybe he made a mistake, maybe she even knew, maybe he just needed a break from her illness and his politics. Whatever it was, I am sure he did not intend to hurt her or embarrass her. Now both of those things have occurred. I am also sure that he is no longer being considered for a running mate or a future attorney general position, he is too controversial. Though his infidelity has nothing to do with his political and legal, knowledge and skill. He is not the first (nor will he be the last) politician who has been brought down by an affair.
What kind of nation are we, when personal lives, affairs, and relationships hold more importance than war, torture, and infringement of rights? Why does cheating on one's wife have a greater impact than violating the Constitution? This morality thing sure is screwed up.
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